Not yet fifty and single again - J

Lunch

In the office the hours go by fast. I get in, say hello to my team, switch on my computer and get my coffee. A daily ritual that I appreciate. Once I dig into the work, time runs faster than I can sometimes keep up with. Meetings, issues to solve, plans to make and plans to change. A dynamic environment which I enjoy. My colleagues are all younger than me. I was caught by surprise by this, I must admit. I had never really thought of my age, until I separated. I always took my age for granted, never measured progress in life against age. I once tried to open a discussion with my wife on the need to start putting money aside for a pension, our pension. I made the mistake of doing that in a nice cosy and bit crazy restaurant during our time back in the west. The owners of the restaurant were a gay couple. She called one of them over and said: “Can you believe this guy? Ruining a nice dinner with talks about pension!”. The owner looked at me, took a pose only a gay man can take, and shook his head in disbelief. That was the end of the discussion I guess. After that, my plan simply became to die before I would retire and I gave it no more thought. 

After we separated I started to think about it again. “Here I am, no money in the bank, no assets to call my own and still a while to go. Am I finally going to take care of myself?” Anyway, that’s not the point of my story. It’s enough to say that I never considered becoming old…I always thought I would be dead well before 40. I have no ambition to become old. Why would I? Live life in the moment, and enjoy it, why postpone until retirement to see the world, where it is so much fun to do it when you are young? But here I am…48 and alive….  

The morning goes fast, as usual. I have a lunch date planned with a good friend, a married woman. We haven’t seen each other for a while and when we finally called again a week ago, we both said we wanted to see each other as soon as possible. She’s a lovely woman, I appreciate her for her wisdom, charm, humour and beautiful smile. Some people will always remain dear to me, whether we see each other often or not.

Around noon I get back in my car to drive to a restaurant at the lake side, not too far from town. It’s a half way place for us, as she lives on the other side of the lake. I arrive at the restaurant a bit before her, and as it is early, I can choose a table with a wonderful view. The lake is still, as it is a day with little wind. The water reflects the clouds and the brilliant intensity of the green hills surrounding it. A breeze touches my face, warm and soothing. It is hot outside, and once out of the air-conditioned environment of the office, all gets sweaty. Being next to the water with this breeze is a relief. 

I order fruit juice, and smoke a cigarette, a habit that unfortunately I have taken up again since recently. But I don’t care anymore. Before I would worry about my health, now I have other issues to think about, I tell myself. I inhale deeply, let the nicotine soothe my mind and exhale in a long breath. I love the sound of the burning tobacco. The smoke drifts through the open window. I see small fish, yellow and orange, through the sun glittering on the water surface. My mind is empty, I am here, now and time is non-existent. 

After a while my friend walks in, greeting the waiters she apparently knows. She is local from the area, where most people know each other through either family ties, church affiliation or from their school days and friendships. She greets me with her brilliant smile, eyes glittering and revealing joy at seeing me again after all this time. I stand up, and give her a hug, something not commonly done here. But we don’t care, this is us, we are friends. I tell her how I have missed her, and I can feel she knows and feels the same. 

We sit down and start talking about some generalities. I ask her about her husband, her children, her life in general. She is fine, as I hoped she would be. She has a lovely husband, a diamond. He loves her, is caring and takes care of his family, as she does. The kids are in their teens, reaching puberty and become difficult to handle. She owns her own business, a restaurant in town, which is doing well. But she spends more time there than she would like. A problem many of us have.