Little Happiness

Letter 1 - Tonight

I held onto my dark gray umbrella as I stood beside the post waiting for the traffic light. It was raining again. I slowly looked up at the sky, it was dark reddish in color. The wind was not cool, nor was it warm; it was so-so. I closed my eyes and told myself, it's one of those nights again.

I lost my mother. I lost her to I don't know what exactly last year August. Were we able to say goodbye to each other? Uhm... Yes...? "Don't you want to stay with me?" I remembered asking her, with tears in my eyes. We were moving houses, and I chose to stay in the city, she chose to stay in the suburbs with her sister and her family.

"Don't cry!" she uttered, looking annoyed and a little angry, but it only made me cry harder. We were left together ever since my father died 9 years ago. Just imagine the 2 of us suddenly being separated because the house owner was kicking us out. We had to make choices, choices that were both selfish and generous in heart.

"Are you really sure that you don't want to stay with me? You can stay upstairs with me," I was desperate this time. I wanted to take her with me, for her to stay in the city with me. I just couldn't imagine living away from her. She shook her head as she trembled. I could see tears forming in her eyes, and on that moment I knew what it was. It was a decision of love, it was a generous act done by a selfless mother for her ignorant daughter.

My mother, Ofelia, had Parkinson's Disease. She took medicines as maintenance to lessen the tremors because you can't really control the trembling once it gets really strong, you can just lessen it. A month ago, she also started to get weaker because of diarrhea. She lost the only strength left in her, she was bed-ridden. She found it difficult to just even sit, she couldn't balance herself anymore.

It was the hardest time of my life, when foolish me, made that foolish decision of leaving her. Yes, I did. I did pack my things up and left her right when she needed me the most. I did stay out of the house, but for only a day and a night. My conscience couldn't take it, I was not able to sleep. I was crying as I stared at the ceiling. I knew I had to go back to her because I was the only one she had.

And so I did.

It was hard for me to accept. What was happening to her was nothing I had imagined. It was hell. I had to clean up after her, which was the most difficult task I had to do. It was hard to carry and balance her, by myself, she's not capable of helping herself anymore.

It was devastating. I wanted to give up. I always cried, and I felt alone. I had my friends and colleagues who always talked to me, who comforted me; I was really grateful, yes, but I actually needed someone to be with me during those times. Contrary to my expectations, the help I needed came from unexpected people.

Thank you to our family friend for helping me look after my mother. It will always be remembered.

"Where's Michelle? She's probably sleepy already." I tried to hold back my tears, but I still found myself crying; the tears I tried to hold back just naturally fell. It was around 11 in the evening, who else in this world would know me better?

I watched the car and the moving truck as they drove away. My mother went to the suburbs with my aunt and her family that night. And me, I was left in the city, to live with the family friend who helped us. I felt alone, I was guilty, I was...

Lonely.

Living alone, I could say, brought me sleepless nights; I received hatred and dislike, they may have viewed me as a careless and irresponsible daughter, which I actually thought I was. Like who in this world would leave her mother behind?

But I had to work.

I had to make a living. I had to make ends meet for both of us to survive. I was removed from the new position I was assigned with. Luckily, the management decided not to let me go. They gave me a new role.

It was life-changing. It was painful not having her by my side. For the longest time, I was with her, we were side by side. I would cry every night to sleep thinking how I could leave her and live alone. I was fighting my own battles, it was hard I just wanted everything to... end.

But I had to go on with my life, I tried my best to work even with a heavy heart as I worried about my sick mother. I planned to visit her the coming weekend, I actually planned to go sleep at my aunt's place during weekends so that I can look after my mom too, but... it was too late.

Even before I could visit her, she had gone already. Morning of 23rd August, I received a message from my aunt saying that my mother had passed away. I was shocked. I was speechless. I... froze for a moment.

I could just remember looking at my manager and calling her. "Ma'am, my mother..." My eyes filled with tears and sorrow. It was only four days after we separated physically, who would have thought, that we would separate permanently?

I thought and pondered. What if an angel came by her? The angel then asked her to decide about her life and death situation, and her thinking was, if I leave this world, my daughter would be free from worry and hardship. It always pained my heart to think that my mother left so that I could live freely.

Until the very end, mom, your selflessness reigned.

"Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up,

I need your loving hands to come and pick me up;

And every night I miss you, I can just look up,

And know the stars are holding you, holding you, holding you, tonight."

Tonight, FM Static

I didn't really pay attention to the lyrics of the song every time I would hear or listen to it until someone told me, that the girl being mentioned in the song was dead. I appreciate how beautiful the melody was, but just then I appreciated it more when I learned the message.

Now every time I hear this song, I would remember you.

And everything we've been through.

To my mother in Heaven:

Thank you for teaching me how to write, to cross the road, look to the left, and then to the right. Thank you for making me the independent daughter I could be, for letting me do everything on my own, for seeing to it that I graduate college even when I wanted to stop, to give up.

Thank you for leaving me alone when I was in elementary and high school, I learned how to cook, and how to communicate with other people through selling snacks during the summer. Thank you for instilling in my mind, that I should always be thankful for what I have, and not what I don't, for being humble and at the same time to work and dream for myself.

Thank you for believing in me, for telling me that I'm beautiful inside and out, even when I said that I disliked myself.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally, this daughter who was flawed in so many ways, this daughter whose shortcomings toward you weren't paid, this daughter who left you when you needed her the most.

I know I couldn't make it up to you anymore, but I promise you that I would be a person of virtue, of kindness, of grace, of love, and or humility... so that when people see me, they would think that a great mother raised this child.

Thankyou, nanay, nay... for being my mother, father, sister, and best friend.