This Town |NH|

Chapter Forty One

I stayed the night in LAX, half attempting to sleep and half calling Siobhan every five minutes. I needed to speak to her. I needed to hear her voice. I needed her to know I was coming.

I texted her saying that my mum had told me and that I was on my way home; that I was going to be there for her.

I didn't get her response until I landed in Dublin. It was one word and it broke my heart, "Don't."

I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw that. I knew she was mad at me and I knew she was upset. What I didn't know was if she truly meant it.

I called my mum, "Have you landed?"

"Yeah, but I just got a text from her telling me not to come."

"Oh, honey, she's upset. She's been fighting all of us. She wants to do this all on her own. She refuses any help we offer but we've been quietly helping her anyway. You have every right to be here, if not for her, then for yourself."

"I just wish she wanted me here."

"She does. She just doesn't want to admit it. I'll see you soon." We hung up. I grabbed my bags and walked out to get my car and go home.

When I reached Mullingar, it was late. I drove quietly through the sleepy town. I had decided I was going to stay at my mum's house but knew I couldn't not go to her first. I pulled up and stopped the car, turning it off. The lights were all off. I sat there awhile debating whether I should knock or not. I was about to leave when I saw someone come out through the front door. It was Siobhan.

She sat down in the chair her father always sat in, pulling her knees up to her chest. She kept wiping her hands across her face, I assume to wipe away tears. I opened the door to my car but, once again, was too much of a coward to face her yet. Instead, I closed the car door and began crying myself. When I noticed she had gone back inside, I started up the car and went home.

The next day was her father's funeral. I got dressed and was about to leave when I heard my mother on the phone, "Sweetie, he wants to be here. He loved your father and he loves you." I knew she was talking to Siobhan. "Siobhan, listen to me, you will regret this. When some time has gone by, you will regret not wanting him there. He's been your best friend since you were 10. He loved your father as if he were his own." Another pause. I could hear her but not make out what she was saying. "Okay, sweetie. I don't want to upset you. I'll tell him." She hung up.

"She doesn't want me there, does she?"

My mum turned around to see the tears coming down my face. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. She's being so stubborn. She will regret this." She gave me a tight hug before she left.

At first, I got mad. But then, I realized I couldn't blame her. Everyone grieves differently. But, the one thing I did know, is that I wasn't going to miss this. I could still attend his funeral without anyone seeing me. I could say my goodbyes alone. So I got into the car and drove there, parking a slight distance from everyone else. I quietly entered the church while the music was playing, and sat in the back. No one turned around.

I watched as my family and friends said such lovely things about him. I watched as my best friend's shoulders shook from crying so hard. She was unable to get up and say anything. I saw my mother wrap her arms around her tightly. That should've been me.

When the service was done, I sneaked back out as they processed to the cemetery. I walked behind everyone, once again, and stood behind a tree as they did the final portions of the service and lowered him into the ground. I waited as everyone gave Siobhan a hug and left. Eventually, she was left there, alone.

I don't know how long I stood there watching her. She bent down over his casket and kissed it before slowly walking away. Once she was gone, I made my way over. I bent down and whispered,

"I promise you, I will take care of her. I will make sure she's okay. Even if she never knows it, I promise you." I kissed the casket, staying like that for awhile before I finally got up and left.

I stayed a few more days, my mother attempting to reason with Siobhan to let me help her or, at least, see her but she refused. I ended up just watching her for awhile every day as she took the necessary steps to get things together. Whatever she wanted done, I made sure was done. I quietly paid for the funeral services, which I knew she didn't have the money for. I made sure she'd be able to keep the house by paying all the bills for the next year. I knew her bank account information, so I set it up to where I would automatically send her enough money to live off of, without her knowing where it came from. I did this all anonymously knowing she'd refuse it all. But the relief that I saw upon her face when she was told by the funeral director that it was all paid for was worth everything to me. I could see the weight upon her shoulders be lifted, if even just for a moment.

I left Mullingar with a small smile on my face, knowing that she'd be okay. But, my fifth regret that year, came with the realization that I should've insisted she see me, insisted she let me help her, and when all was said and done, insisted she come with me, insisted she get out of this town, just like we had planned. But, I didn't do that, and by the time I realized it, I was too late.