Meet someone new over the time make me feel confused, what the reason that person exist in my existant world, that breath the same air as I, look at the same sky and wonder, and even listened to same contemporary rubbish music as I.
Do they exist just as a figurant in my life or their destiny will enterwine with me someday in future? I believe that the faces I see today, in future their faces only be a blur of memories in my mind that I will forget what their sound like, what their look like or the way they laughed. Then if it true, what's the point that they even exist in my life? When I know they will be forgotten.
Is this the thing that you called life? Not particularly thing. I Thought I was crazy thinking about this for the whole week. But my conscience said that, the answer must be found. I keep wondering, wondering and wondering, I keep on growing and so as the time, I am soaked in the dimension of life, and I will be vanished to the blackhole called time. Gone. In the snap of finger.
This life is just a stage, where people put on a mask, pretend be the people that people expected them to be, when they are actually not. Sad, but that's the truth.
Sometimes I'm scared of the simplest thing. I'm scared this moment will past and I didn't have chance to acknowledge it before its too late. I'm scared that I will not remember every detail of every moment that happened in my life. I'm scared that I will forget what tiny details that make me giggle because of my friends or family or what I wear that particular day where its full of emotions that drain my body or I will not remember how I felt that day. Even I'm afraid I'll loose bad memories. I want to cherised those memories forever even if my mind have to bleed because of it, then let it bleed, let it soaked with blood.
I'm scared to lose those memory, every detail of it like I'm holding on to sand that will crumble when I'm cling to it too hard. In the end I'm stuck in this fast revolving machinery called time, that move so fast. I want to scream as loud as I can to make it freeze on certain time, but whatever I do that never going to happen. And in blink of an eye those moment will past and what you have left only a grasp memories that you cannot recalled later on. And what you must do now is moving on because life will never stop revolving no matter how hard you tried to stop it.
Because who we are in this universe? Only a drip of water in the big ocean. And then this monstrous creature that will come and eat you in every moments, no matter where you are, even when you are locked inside a safe, even when you are standing on top of the mountain trying to run away from this creature, they will definitely run after you. This creature will part husband and wife, children with their parents, bestfriends, lovers, and nontheless this is the end of the show. This monstrous creature is called death.
Have you ever wonder what comes after death? Will it be peace or endless tortured? What will awaited me there? The more I think about it the more its make no sense. I'm afraid that the thing that I've done in the world will be wasted, have no meaning for that life ahead. And I just have to accept my ill fated life for enternity. Is it? I sometimes imagine the last hour of my life, laying down at my deathbed with a blur memories of beloved face until death claimed me.
I put my hand on my face, and think what have happened to me in this past few weeks. Sometimes I feel suffocated inside my own mind, my own palace. Where in that place should be my sanctuary, my safe place. The only place that I could control. And yet I feel weak whenever I enter that palace. So much emotions. Where everything move so fast and I freezed or where everything moving so slow like a stop motion when my body exhalarating with spirit. I felt everything and nothing at once. Numbness fill my heart.
My brain couldn't even think properly. I felt dizzy. I was thinking that this is the effect of me being working too much, yes too much.
