Regrets

Chapter 22 - Eyes Wide Open

Song: Eyes Wide Open - Gotye

Thomas watched his feet move as he walked down the street. His hood was pulled over his head, hiding his face away from the people passing him by.

The sensation of being out in the city again after almost a week spent in Marcus' apartment was freeing in a quite literal as well as figurative way.

Another step, and one more after that. The asphalt and his dirty shoes bled together into a dirty white, dark grey mix that blurred before his eyes, the more he stared. He was slowly losing focus of where he was going, of where he was even staring.

His mind was very busy. Of course it was, it would have been worrisome if it wasn't. The constant fear was getting to him. Every person that walked by him a little too closely on the street ignited a spark of panic within him and each spark was fuelling the giant fire of angst, worry and most of all, terror.

His hands pulled his hood down farther into his face before they got buried deep within his pockets, nervously fingering at whatever they could find in there; pieces of paper folded into small origami figures that had gotten mushed and crumpled beneath the pressure of his hands, a half full lighter he had found on the sidewalk, some loose coins that would stain his hands with the metallic smell, a highlighter that was probably dried out or leaking into his pocket by now.

"Hey, watch where you're going!", the shout pulled Thomas out of his trance, but he couldn't react in time to the biker coming his way. All he was able to do was stare in shock, frozen in his place as the cyclist came closer and closer. If there was one thing Thomas would have wanted to do in that moment, it would have been to close his eyes, just so that he didn't have to see his fate, see the inevitable. But his shocked state made him unable to do anything but stare straight ahead.

At one point during the collision, apparently, he had managed to close his eyes, because the next thing he remembered was opening them up again. Pain seared through his whole body, just when it had worn off and his bruises and cuts were almost healed up completely. He really couldn't catch a break, could he?

Although he was absolutely positive his eyes were open, he couldn't see anything. He couldn't hear anything either, for that matter. Or wait, he could. The faint sound of voices, of people talking, maybe even screaming. He couldn't tell. The fact that he couldn't see anything was much more concerning to him.

"Are you okay? Can you tell me your name?", a voice to the left of him asked. His head twisted slightly towards the source, as if that would help at all. He felt nauseous and light-headed.

"I... I can't... why...?", the words left Thomas mouth in his whisper, even though he didn't intend to. His throat was sore, as if he hadn't had a drop of water in days.

"You can't what? You don't know your name?", the voice was male. He sounded stressed, or in a hurry. Was Thomas keeping him from going somewhere? Should he tell the man he would be alright? But, Thomas couldn't see. He wouldn't be alright.

"I-I... Tho..Thomas... but. But my eyes...", The more he talked, the easier it got. But forming a sentence still was a bit of a struggle. it was as if his vocabulary had been wiped clean, and while he knew exactly what he wanted to say, he lacked the words to do so.

"Okay Thomas, I'm Kyle. Your eyes, what about them? Do they hurt? Is your sight blurry? Can you see me clearly?", the voice; the man... Kyle was a lot calmer now, and that thought made Thomas smile. Maybe it wasn't the right time or place, no, it certainly wasn't. But Kyle had been worried for Thomas. He cared. A warm thought that Thomas hadn't experienced in a long time, or maybe he never had.

"Kyle... I can't see", the smile stayed on his face, as inappropriate as it was, and it wouldn't leave as Thomas stared in what he could only assume was the direction Kyle was positioned at. His hands began shaking at the thought. He was blind. It was like being locked inside a dark cellar. No matter how wide he tore his eyes open, not a single ray of sunlight would enter them.

"Thomas, calm down. I know this is scary, and you're in shock. But aside from your blindness, can you tell if you're hurting anywhere else? Can you still feel your feet? Do you feel any pain anywhere?", Kyle seemed like the calm and collected one now, while Thomas was stressed and panicked. Slowly, Thomas began lifting his legs, wiggling his toes. A sigh of relief from Kyle. A good sign. He didn't hurt anywhere as far as he could tell, but maybe the painkillers from his thread-pulling just hadn't worn off yet and he was just high on paracetamol.

"It doesn't hurt. I just feel sick and I can't see", he told Kyle, and for the first time in years, he felt like crying. Even the stitching and the beatings couldn't get him to this stage, but this helplessness, this reliance on a man he didn't know, it terrified Thomas.

"Okay Thomas. You don't need to worry. It's probably only a temporary issue. I'm a paramedic, so please tell me your full name, we need to get you to a hospital. You had an accident and hit your head on the curb", Kyle always said his name with no belittlements. He would always say it when he started talking. Was this supposed to help Thomas feel safe? Or was he doing that so Thomas would know Kyle was definitely talking to him?

"Jenson. Thomas B. Jenson", Thomas muttered. He was too scared of possible permanent blindness to lie to Kyle about his name in this situation. So what if they called his step-dad? So what if he had to go back? So what if he would have to endure that hell for another five years? He couldn't rely on Marcus anymore anyway, and it was never intended to be a permanent solution either. It was only five years. After that he would be free. But if he lost his eyesight here and now, his life would be wasted. Maybe this was a sign from above, maybe this was his fate.

"Alright Thomas. You can relax now, you're in good hands. We'll make sure to get you back to a hundred-and-ten percent", Kyle told him reassuringly, but Kyle didn't know, and Kyle would never know what would await Thomas. Kyle was just an innocent guy believing in the best in people. But he didn't know Thomas, or what he had done. And he didn't know Thomas' step-father, or what he had done. Or would do. And neither did Thomas. If the future wasn't so uncertain in that moment, Thomas would surely have been more relaxed when he felt how he was hoisted upwards, apparently already on the stretcher and about to be loaded into the ambulance. And he maybe would have been able to close his eyes, but even though he couldn't see anything, they stayed wide open.