a n o v e l l a

一

10.11.19
it's 2:02:21am as i type this.
my heart is numb and my thoughts are blank, yet somehow, my heart is racing and my mind is in chaos.
my eyes are bruised and swollen from the countless breakdowns ive had withing the past 72 hours or so, they ache to the touch. my thigh burns with every shift in movement and my ankle aches as i walk.
i dont know how it came to this, during previous situations this burning of my skin never lasted past two days, pushing for three. however with every touch each wound feels as though it should be on fire.
to make matters worse i saw someone again today. someone toxic, someone manipulative, someone so incredibly bad for me, yet someone i still find myself entranced by.
i would never say im in love with this person, and similarly i would never say that this person os the cause of my suffering. now that would be an outrageous lie, i have come to terms with the fact that my own mind, my childhood and my situation are to blame for my suffering. though of course im going on a tangent here.
this person used to be one of the few consistencies in my life, though the emphasis here must be on 'used to be'. times have changed. turns out, they only wanted me physically, but however even now they are still toying with me.
'sweetheart', 'darling', 'babe'.
unfortunately his sweet nothings often come paired with some slightly less alluring phrases
"why are you even alive?', 'useless', 'shit'.
its hard to tell whether or not he means it or whether he uses these phrases thinking its banter or its funny yet i find it to be insensitive considering  he knows all ive been through. this is aside, just seeing him hurts me.
my last major breakdown was two days ago now, before which i was almost 2 weeks clean. i should know better, its been 5 years of this endless cycle.
i remeber, i laid on my bed and for the  first hour i just stared up at my ceiling, unable to cry.
with time, i eased the emotions out. i need an outlet so sometimes its easier to force myself to cry. nowadays i dont usually cry because im over it at that point.
i cried for hours, i wake at 5am so i can drag myself to college. i cried myself until the hours of dawn. i laid there and whispered to myself
'id rather end it now than feel such pain'
'im just so tired'
'im ok'
its difficult, its difficult when you cant speak to anyone. my fault is that even though i know one or two of my closer friends would be willing to let me rant to them, in fact they beg me to talk to them when i go through dark periods. but i just can't bring myself to. call it stubborness, cowardice or just whatever you want. i can deal with it on my own, my own company has sufficed for a while now.
i hate the feeling of sympathy and pity.
and so, i spent that night, etching a tally of all my faults on my outside.
it is now only ten minutes later; 02:24:18, i will leave this here for now. perhaps i will update in the morning.
sorry my passages are vague, they are more just for me to organize my thoughts a tad better.
🌫️🌫️