Those Who Feed The Birds

THE SAME SUNRISE

-London-somewere under a bridge-

      The sun shines on my face again, making me hate it this morning like i always do. I've never been a morning person. I always felt abused every morning when i wanted so bad to continue sleeping, but the sun was exploding on my windows. It's already september and soom it will get cold.
-Another winter on the streets, i say to myself. And when you think that i used to have a penthouse in the center of Paris. Life sucks. I used to use those words evertyime something went wrong in my life. Like when i was spilling coffe on a 2000$ shirt, or when i had to endure that everyday horrible traffic in my 100.000$ Land rover. Now i really learned what that phrase actually means.
Thank God i left the neighbourhood i was living in the day i became broke. If i would've had to live like this in that neighbourhood, seen by every neighbour i had and hated, i think i would have gone crazy by now.
I take my bag of the 3 shirts, 2 pair of jeans, 7 underwears and a few other clothes and go to the public bathroom in the neighbourhood. It takes me 15 minutes to get there, because i am taking the rosd with few people. I hate the looks people give me on the strees. Like they never seen a holeless before. Anyway. I get to the bathroom. Wong Hun is looking at me like i am sort of garbage or something. I smile ironically to him and say.
-Yes, i came here again, in need to wash. I may be homeless, but i am bot dirty.
-He rools his eyes and say nothing. He's the cleaning man, asian, around 60. He hates me, i can tell that. I think he hates everybody who uses this bathroom. Especially homeless.
In the end i brush my teeth, pack my things and get out. I can t stant taht guy looking at me while i clean my self a bit like a am sort of an animal. Next stop, central vegetables market. There's Anna, an ex convict i helped get out of prison after she was caught shoplifting to feed her children. Yes, i know. Life sucks. Again. She had a job, but also had an abusive and drunk husband who would spend all their miney on alcohol. And she needed to steal. Until she was caught and sent to prison. I was the probono case lawyes from our firm that week and i got her out after 2 weeks if prison. She looked at me with teaes in her eyes. She went home and found her 2 children alone. The father left, and didn't came back. Better that way i said to her. I landed her money and she rented a space in the market. Now she sells organic vegetables. She works a lot, and often have not enough time for children, but that's a sacrifice she had to make. Now, 2 years after that, she give me a few bucks for helping her with the vegetable boxes, cause her back hurts her too bad.
-You need to check that pain, i tell her today, after i start picking up boxes.
-Yeah? And who is going to pay for it?
-Well there are free clinics for people without poaibilities.
-Yeah? Do they come here to check my while i work?
-Yes, honey, i tell her. They will give you a surgery too here, on those benches, i tell her ironically.
-I have no time, Hanna, you know that.
-You need to make time. One day it may be too late if you keep waiting.
-Let's hope it won't, she tells me.
I say nothingmore and keep picking up the boxes. I loome at her and see her wrinkles. She looks so old even tho she is not. This is what a good life make you look like i tell myself. This is how i am going to look.
I leave the marker a few hours later with a few bucks and a few vegetablet. Anna always give me some, even tho always i say no. I think she knows how hunger feels. And i know too. That's why i don't argue too much when she offers them to me.
I get to a gorchery shop and buy some salami, cheese and a sciled bread. Not because i am to lazy to slice it myself, but because i don't have a knife, or a plate, or even a table. I grab a empty plastic bottle from a garbage and i fill it woth some water from the bathroom from early. Wong left. Anyway. I head back to the bridge under i lived for the past 1 year. To my spot, actually, cause i am not the only one who lives under that bridge. A sit on the dirty matress that i call my bed and start washing the vegetables. I start to eat, cause, i have to admit, i am hungry. From the other pillar of the bridge, Hanelli is looking at me. I keep eating, cause i know that in this world of homeless food is the most precious thing you can have. She keeps staring at me, and in the end i ask her:
-What?
-Nothing, she screams from her side.
-Oh, really. Then why the fuck do you keep staring at me?
-Who says it's illegat to stare?
-Well i do. Mind your own bussiness.
She turns her head around and looks at the water, while i keep eating. After a while, i remember the night when a bunch of drunk men attacked me here and she punched all of them with an old chair. And the night when i was freezing and she landed me one of her dirty pillows. But i also remember when she stole my money from working in the market to but drugs. Nevermind. I try to keep the last trace of humanity i have.
-Come here, i scream.
-Why?
-The fuck. Just come here and shut up
She comes slowly treying to seem cool.
-What?
-Are you hungry?
-No, i am not.
-Oh shut up. Sit your ass down and grab some food, before i change my mind. Wait. Take that bottle and wash your hands frst. We might ve homeless, but we are not dirty. No hepatitis needed.
She looks at me and rolls her eyes.
-Yeah, like hepatitis would be our biggest problem. I have HIV, sister, so give me a break.
-What? How? I mean, since when?
She keeps eating while staring at the river.
-I don't know, it might be from when i was doing Heroin. I was out of my mind those days, picking up every needle i could find cause i needed.
-Are you still doing heroin?
-What? No, of cours not. You think i would be in this state of mind if i would use?
-I don't know, i was just asking.
-I'm ok, chill.
-How did you find out?
-Few monts ago a bunch of girls came and tested us with some quick diagnosis testt or i don't know. Anyway. 15 minutes later found out i'm positive. Then she make another one just to be sure. Same shit happend. Anyway. I feel good. Good salami, by the way.
-I look at her, and the only thing i can feel for her right now is mercy. Do you do treatment? I ask.
-Oh yeah, and some weekly massages too for my cellulitis too. Girl, what the fuck are you talking there?! Who in the world would give daily treatment to a homeless?
-Well. True. Anyway. Let's not talk about this anymore. Keep eating. I am sure you haven't done it in a while.
-I eat daily, if you really wanna know. Not i am here with you because you asked and i didn't want to make you feel bad if i refuze.
I don't believe a single word that she says. I haven't seen her eating in a while, but i saw her high many times. I don't say this yo her. I am glad she eat something. And i'm also thinking how she ebded up like this. I actually think how i ended up lime this. Cause this is not the life i imagined for my self. Ever. I actually know how i ended up here...