I Don't Know How to Feel

Nothing Lasts Forever

Here it is. The moment you've all been waiting for. Im gonna talk about my issues. Well not all of them. Pretty sure my fingers would fall off if I tried to type that much. Anyway, let's get into it, I mean you not here to just watch me ramble.
So let's see where should I start this. 7th grade. Yep, seems like a pretty good time to start it. Ok so here we go. My father and I had always been pretty close. I always came to him with everything and never felt like I could talk to him. Until 7th grade, cause like they say- nothing lasts forever. My father wasn't necessary a drunk, but he definitely had his moments were he'd drink first and think later. Never really had a problem with it until he made probably the worst mistake of his life.
I won't get into specifics in case we have any sensitive people reading this. But I will say that not only did he put his life at risk but he put others at risk. I've never been a fan of Drinking and driving, but then again who is. He was drunk like wasted drunk probably couldn't even remember his name if I asked. He drove home that night. I couldn't even tell you how mad I was. It's hard seeing someone you care about so much acting the way he does.
I mean have I seen him drunk before, definitely. But never like this. I don't think he realizes how much that hurt me. Maybe if he did at the time, he would've slept on the couch downstairs, or maybe tried to sneak in to his room so I didn't hear him. Either way, nothing serious happened to me physically that night, if that's what some of you people are thinking. But I did see stuff that night that I really wish I didn't.
For anyone that's seen my father, they know he's a big man, but a little 7th grade girl wouldn't be able to do much when it comes to trying to put him to bed, so I figured it wasn't even worth the try. So I figured going back to bed and closing the door was the best option, so I did. Like I said, I'm not going to get into specifics, but let's just say I could never look at him the same way.
That strong respect I had for him, died that night. Obviously at the time I still loved him, because he's my father and I thought I always would, but like I had previously mentioned, nothing last forever.
After that night our relationship just started getting worse and worse- more fighting between us, more name calling, and more silent treatments. Eventually I thought the whole thing would blow over cause you know parents and kids fight. No one has a perfect relationship with their parents all the time....right?
But of course the situations we were having didn't get better. They got worse, until eventually I lost it on him. I guess that day he had enough to and lost it on me. That was the day I gave up on him. Stopped caring about what he thought, and stopped trying to be the perfect daughter for him.
I know there's definitely going to be some people out there right now saying, "this will blow over" or "your being to dramatic" or "but he seems so nice." I've heard it all before. So don't tell me things with get better. Don't tell me to let it go. And don't tell me that he's a nice guy. Because you don't live with him. All people know is what they see. And I've seen heard and have been through enough stuff with him to know that I'm done with him and his ways of ruling my life.
Do I miss how close we were before? Of course. Do I think I could ever let him back into my life? Probably not. I have no desire in letting him close and trying to let him in again because Nothing lasts forever, not even with your own father.