“It’s going to be okay, you know.” I tried so hard to reassure her, let her know that everything would work out. But I wasn’t sure if it had made any difference at all.
“I love you. I always will.” Just telling her had me struggling with a lump in my throat. And all I wanted to do was hold on to her tightly, make love to her. But I couldn’t, and we had to go.
“Let’s get this over and done with.” She picked up her bag and keys, and headed out the apartment door, closing it gently behind her.
I worried about her when the weather was like this. I never expected her to have problems coping with it, especially coming from such a mild climate where she was used to the lack of sunshine, and a lot of rain. But I soon realised that it was the few degrees colder, constantly, all year round, that bothered her. She just never seemed to get warm enough when she ventured outside. She was so small, didn’t have enough of her own insulation to help compensate. And I couldn’t help warm her up no matter how much I wanted to.
I held her hand as she braced herself against the brutal wind. And I wished she’d made the appointment for another day, just so she could rest. She’d already been through so much. She didn’t need this right now. But then, she did. We both did. We just needed to know. It was just bad timing.
For the last two years we’d told ourselves it didn’t matter, coped with the battery of tests, the intrusion into our lives. I didn’t mind. I was older, and didn’t have to go through as much. But she was still so young, and I didn’t know how she did it. She was a tower of strength, my tower. And now, we had reached this point, and there was no turning back.
After today, she was returning to England to tell her parents, and I knew that was going to be so much worse than anything she’d already been through. They hadn’t approved of us, of her marrying me. I was the foreigner, the unknown quantity, someone she couldn’t rely on. Now, she needed them, I needed them to help her.
“Do you need a break? We can stop at the coffee shop on the way.” She looked so cold even though she was wearing her new fur-lined winter coat that I’d bought her ready for the brutal weather.
“Not far now. I just have to keep going.”
I held her close to me, trying to shelter her from the cold wind and snow, making sure she wasn’t going to slip and fall. There weren’t many people out and about, preferring to stay indoors, I was sure. And I didn’t blame them. It had been a long time since we’d had a bad winter, and the weather forecasters were predicting the worst on record – ever – for this year. But then, I rarely thought about it anymore. The cold didn’t bother me; only seeing her struggle with it did it have me seething.
We reached the automatic opening front door and quickly stepped in to escape the gusts that howled round the entrance. The floor was slippy. “Be careful. Here.” I clung to her waist, making sure she didn’t lose her footing.
The hospital was warm so she took her coat, scarf, hat and gloves off immediately, and brushed herself down, straightening her virtually black hair with her fingers. She’d straightened it this morning. She hadn’t done that for a couple of weeks.
“It looks beautiful. You look beautiful. Come on, this way.”
We made our way down the long corridor to the elevators, pressed the button and waited, patiently. A few more people gathered behind us, presuming we’d already called for our ride upstairs.
“I hope Maria can see me early. I don’t want to have to wait.” Her quiet whispering was difficult to make out. She obviously didn’t want everyone around her to hear what she was saying.
“Maybe.”
The elevator arrived and she stepped in. I followed close behind. She pressed number 3 and waited for the other passengers to embark so we could get to our destination. Anxiety built as I realized – this was it. We were going to know today. I felt her arm snuggle up to mine, and I looked down at her. “This is it, isn’t it? We’ll know today?”
She just sighed, saying nothing. Our floor came quickly, and she moved her way from the cramped box into the awaiting hallway. I was right behind her, guiding her with my hand on her back. And once our feet were in the hallway, we both stopped, giving ourselves a little moment as the elevator doors closed behind us. We didn’t need to talk. Words couldn’t be used to describe what we were both thinking at that moment.
