Happy accidents [Book 1: Black, Grey and White]

Accident 2: Not knowing myself, or knowing myself too much.

[!trigger warning: drug, self harm, self hate, depression. Don't read, you could possibly trigger yourself if you are in any of this situations!]

What, what do you even when you feel nothing about anything?
When the world is crushing upon you just becouse of you.

Your friends are the best you could ask for and the rest of the people don't bother you. Then what do you do when you are the only one torturing yourself?

I had it all, and I don't know why one day I had nothing anymore. What else can happen when everything that could go wrong is already bad...?

Well, nobody died, should I be the first?

But I'm even scared of that.

No, at this point I don't care anymore.

What the fuck do I do when the only problem is me? When I have incredible friends, and a family that at the very least cares sometimes about me.
When the only fucking problem is me how do I fix it? What do I do? How do I get rid of my own thoughts?

Did I do this to myself or it was done towards me?
I looked at my wrist and I could see the not so long ago vertical cuts that I did to myself two days ago. I wanted to go deeper, to make myself loose a lot of blood and finally being unconscious and able to sleep peacefully. Not as killing myself, just to sleep some hours. Unfortunately I was just able to make long not so deep cuts. That wasn't enough to take my pain away, I couldn't with that shitty ass blazer I took of my razor blade... I didn't even have the guts to do it...

Drugs, that was another thing. I didn't care anymore, more damage to my not we'll nutritioned body wouldn't do any further damage.

I didn't care anymore, not when I was alone. I'm dangerous to be left alone but I guess nobody knew, and that is nice, so I can trigger myself with my own thoughts.

I wouldn't eat, or eat too much.
I wouldn't go outside, or be outside all day.
I wouldn't sleep, or sleep to much.
I would do exercise till I had no breathe left.
And I would trigger myself till I ended up crying or hurting again.

I wanted to die so bad, and I still do. But not that much.

I am the problem, but when I'm with you I forget about me and I focus on you. And I try to avoid any talk about myself and be with you and you only. Talking about everything else in this world.

But about me? I would rather die before telling anyone how sad and lonely I was. I need to be the smiling person that cheered everyone up, I can't be weak for others. My friends, the ones I love, the ones I care about.

They say if someone around you is happy it is contagious, I wanted to be that smiling guy.

Let me be me when I was trying to.
And let the inner me get dumped deep down my mind.