The One Where No One Listened

My not so late night thoughts

November 13th, 2019 at 8:53 pm

I was just sitting around and scrolling through my ig feed when i realized that none of my closest friends know what i was feeling and going through for the past 2 years. the laughs and smiles and jokes and everything, they were blind to it all. it was all fake. when i had started talking less for two whole years, it never even phased them. they didn't see that i hardly spoke to them because i was so upset and not in a good state of mind. even when the times were ok for me, he always found a way to take that away from me. and even as my best friend, he didnt see what he had done to me. and that hurt just as much as my best friends not knowing that i was hurting for so long. maybe i was hurt for too long cuz i never told anyone how i felt cuz it seemed like a burden even to me. but the one friend who listened, she let me know that it was ok to feel hurt and sad for so damn long. and when i finally told her what was going on inside my head, she threw the ugly truth in my face. that he wasn't going to love me as much as i had loved him. and then i cried, and i thank her for that because i was too afraid of it i suppose. she got the real me to come back. it wasnt the person before i had my heart broken, it was someone new and that is who i am today. and as much as i love my girls,  fuck them for seeing right through me, and not truly knowing me like the back of their hand. that hurt the most. 

and as i was about to finish up this entry, i feel like that the one friend who helped me, is the one friend i had dragged down. i was depressed and she was the one who helped me see the light. bt as time went on, my darkness had turned over to her. and i know why she is feeling the way i did and i know that its no body's fault, but damn.  i became happy and now she is the sad one. and im so goddamned sorry. im so sorry that i cant help you the way you had helped me because im scared to say the wrong thing. but i promise it will get better. i know it will. it may not be tomorrow or next week, but everything will be alright. 

                                                  ~A