Why do people tend to love the one thing that is created to destroy them? Why do people become attracted to the one thing that could rip out there heart and then turn the switch off and not even care how or when they did it? Why was I one of the luckiest and then one of the most damned to be involved with vampires that I didn't even know existed? Why me? Why not me? We always love the things that we can't have and sometimes, most times, that leads to various broken hearts and no will in the world to go find love ever again. This world is about the hardships that are created when you live and make some mistakes and bumps along the road.
I told Damon this once, just to see what his reaction would be. He smiled and just said that he knew. He said that was why Katherine turned out to be everything he ever wanted and then she turned around and spat it all back in his face. But when he spoke there was something in his eyes, something I had never seen before. But then again I couldn't be sure, as far as I knew Damon couldn't be helped.
Damon. I didn't know where we stood. This life was hard enough, and even though he has tried again and again to grab my attention the truth is that I am not worthy of any of the two brothers. I know, shocking.
Stefan is too good for me. I am not a good person, whether you disagree or not. Stefan has tried to save people. He saved me from that care crash. But I cant save people. I mean I physically can't. I have tried to play hero but every time that happens Damon or Stefan has to run over and save me and then ultimately that puts them in danger. Some savior I am. I am just not worth anymore, and it has taken me a very good amount of time to realize that.
Damon, I can't even begin with him. I had been a friend to him, even though he sometimes scared the hell out of me. But then Katherine came back. If she didn't then Damon and I would have taken another direction that also scares the hell out of me. My feelings were already sore and tender by then. And then Damon tried to kiss me, to try to make me feel something. He didn't need to do that. I already knew what I felt. Anger, confusion, sexual tension. Mostly confusion. I saw how broken he was and I knew that things were not going to blow over well. The moment Jeremy came in was the time that changed everything. If Damon would have left I still would have been mad at him for forcing kisses that I was to confused to process on me but the moment he went over board with rage and snapped Jeremy's neck like a twig I knew that everything that Damon hoped we would turn into be was never, even going to happen. I think that was what happened to hurt him the most. So I knew that his pride was injured as well as his heart.
I know that I should be the one apologizing for everything. For being the doppelganger that could get everyone that I ever cared about killed, for being that one that is destined to play the tow brothers against each other. Just for about everything imaginable. The list goes on and on.
I think I am talking about Damon the most because he is the one that I have hurt the most. He keeps his face the same cocky martyr that I have gotten used to but all the same I could still see the pain in those shocking blue eyes. Things had definitely gotten confusing when he thought that I was the one who had kissed him the night after the Founder Day party on my very own porch, but once again that was Katherine's doing. He told me he was hurt that I was surprised that I thought that he thought I would kiss him back. I know, I'm confused too. The thing Damon doesn't know is that I would not kiss because I am afraid of what will happen. If I need to stay truthful to Stefan then I could not let Damon get in the way. Damon would probably get himself killed if Stefan… well never mind. It's not important.
I guess what I am trying to say is that love is poison. If you take it in large doses then odds are you will die. But even if you take it in small doses then you will still end up getting burned. Love is addictive, love is unhealthy. Love is…dangerous. I didn't even know who I was in love with anymore. I think that love was ripped away from me as soon as Katherine came back. Maybe that's fine. Maybe I can love no more and I will not hurt like I used to.
