She Won

She's my worst enemy, the struggle of having to fight with her every other day is tiring. She's tricky though because I never see her, just instantly feel her when she enters my body, and takes over my mind. She's always near, ready to leave me high and dry, feeling empty inside and like my chest has caved in. I was perfectly fine two minutes ago, smiling and laughing when she entered my body and reminded that I shouldn't be smiling, something is wrong. I fight back and keep laughing, louder than ever now, to drown her out, or try to avoid the feeling that she keeps pushing upon me. She pushed harder, and harder and my laughs turned into frown, because I was worrying about something that didn't needed to be worried about, which later turned into gasps for air, because once again she won the battle.What was wrong? Probably nothing, but she made me feel like something was instantly always wrong. "I HATE YOU!" It was the most silent yell ever, she was inside of my body, so I know she heard she me, but obviously she didn't care, because every other day she was back, just waiting for her next attack.

I keep asking her who are you? How did get here? Why are you here? Why are you not leaving? Most people leave when you tell them you hate them, um yeah not her. She loves when I have to present in front of a lot of people, or order my own food, or enter a crowded place, meet a new face, or again simply out with friends just laughing." No! No! NO!! Nothing is wrong, it's all good, you're good. She's just in your head messing with you, stay calm." I repeatedly tell myself, but she always win. She squeezes my lungs making them quickly give out of breath like a deflated balloon, and reaches her fingers up my throat making the air flow harder and harder to reach them. My head feels woozy, and my stomach tightens up, I always imagine her throwing one of her fancy hair ties around it with no care in the world.

I struggle trying to get her out of my head at night. "WHY ARE YOU HERE? DO YOU EVER SLEEP " She makes my nights longer than they should be, constantly running back and forth stuffing my brain like a pillow with new things to worry about. Reminding me of all the things I have done today, that has the potential to be embarrassing, or things that people can judge. She makes me the "quiet/ shy" girl, becoming standoffish to crowds of people, and trampering right all over the things I want to do that involves a group of people. I hate her with everything in me, and the fact that she has now taken over me, making it a day to day struggle to live with her. Anxiety is her name, she's driving me insane, and this fight is one that she constantly wins again and again.