Something Big

Chapter 4

Camila POV:
     One month, it's been one month since that night in Tokyo.  The first few days after that and the doctor's appointment were the hardest because I now had sonogram pictures of our baby and it just made it all the more real.  I would lay in bed all day and just stare at it, stare at the life that Shawn and I created.  Eventually I would be reminded about what happened that night, and it just took away whatever happiness surrounded the moment.  My phone has been blowing up with texts from Shawn, but I've been ignoring him because I'm too hurt.  After what I saw I don't think I really need to hear what he has to say because what could possibly excuse what I saw.  He was supposed to fly to LA to see me after his last show in Asia, but he doesn't know that I've been in Miami for the past few weeks, or maybe he does.  I know that he went to look for me at my place in LA because there are paparazzi pictures of him landing at LAX as well as outside my apartment.  At this point I don't care what he thinks anymore.  I am not going to continue to dwell on what happened.  What's done is done, and to me there is no coming back from that.  I just want to focus on my second album and my baby because he is innocent in all this.  This past weekend I sang at an event in a small studio in LA for less than 150 of my fans.  I sang Used to This for the very first time live.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done because that song in its entirety is about Shawn and my love for him.  It's not that I don't love him anymore because that love will never go away, but I just feel like such a fool for letting myself give in.  For giving in after all these years.  We could have stayed best friends, but no we had to give in to what we've known for years.  That I am in love with him and he's in love with me, or so I thought.  Now I'm alone with a baby.  A baby that I already love more than anything else in this world and can't wait to meet.  I can't hate Shawn forever though because he has given me the greatest gift and for that I will forever be grateful no matter what happens between us.  A few days after it happened, I knew I was going to need to tell Roger and the rest of my team because they were going to be wondering why despite Shawn being on break from tour we were never together.  Roger has always been so supportive of me and my wishes, so all he said was that we need to prepare for the hate I am going to get once the fans find out.  I am a big girl I can deal with what they say, but it's still going to bug me because I know that their narrative will  say we were never together in the first place.  Having the media say that we were just doing it for publicity is still going to sting because these past few months before Tokyo were the happiest of my life.  I woke up extra early this morning because I am going to be performing at the Times 100 Next event in NYC, and I want to wish my friend Alejandro Sanz good luck at the Latin Grammys because we are nominated three times for Persona Favorita.  I walked downstairs to find my mom already awake and making breakfast.  "Good morning mami."  I went and kissed her on the cheek as she cooked me scrambled eggs.  "Good morning mija.  How did you sleep?"  "I slept pretty good actually I didn't get up at all to puke at night."  "That's good I'm happy to hear that."  She served me the eggs and placed them right in front of me.  I started eating when she interrupted me.  "So Camila Taylor released a new remix of Lover this morning."  "Oh my god really where are my airpods I need to listen to it."  "Camila wait before you do you should know who she collaborated with."  She gave me a worried look and then she told me.  "Taylor collaborated with Shawn mija."  I was shocked by her words I wasn't expecting this I mean I hadn't told Taylor about Tokyo, so I couldn't blame her, but this I wasn't expecting.  "Oh. Umm wow okay maybe I won't listen to it then."  "Camila I listened to it already and the new lyrics that Shawn sings are about you mija."  I didn't really know how to react.  "Oh that's great he's being a hypocrite now."  I didn't mean to raise my voice, but I did.  "I'm sorry for yelling mama."  "That's okay mija."  I sensed tears coming, and I didn't want to break down in front of my mom right now because my hormones have made me an emotional wreck, so I excused myself.  "I'm going to take a shower mami I will be back down in a little while."  "Camila you haven't finished eating breakfast yet you can't be missing breakfast you need to take better care of yourself."  "Just leave it in the microwave I will eat it when I get back down I just really want to be alone right now."  I heard her about to say something, but I got up before she could say anything.  I went into my bedroom and closed the door behind me.  I crawled into bed and put my airpods in and searched for the song on Apple music.  The collaboration was the first thing that popped up after typing in Lover.  I pressed play and crawled under the covers.  I had no clue when Shawn's part would start so I was on edge.  The familiar lyrics played through my ears "You're my, my, my, my lover."  Then there it was.  "We could light a bunch of candles And dance around the kitchen, baby Pictures of when we were young would hang on the wall We would sit on the stoop I'll sing love songs to you when we're eighty See, I finally got you now, honey, I won't let you fall."  I immediately started sobbing my eyes out the damn hormones were getting the best of me.  The reference to Señorita "Cause you know it's been a long time coming Don't you let me fall" made it that much more difficult to listen to because we were so in love then. The song kept playing and his next part came.  "Look in my eyes, they will tell you the truth The girl in my story has always been you I'd go down with the Titanic, it's true, for you, lover."  The Titanic he knows my love for that movie.  Why would he do this, what's the point of all this if he truly loved me why would he do what he did?  So many things were going through my head, like how in love with him I still am, but no matter how hard I tried I always came back to seeing that woman on top of him.  Despite how upset and hurt I still feel the song made my heart swoon the same way it has since the very first day he told me he loved me.  It made me think about how much he would love this baby if he knew he existed.  This almost makes me want to tell him about the baby, but I'm just not ready for that yet.  I have however given up on making him think it is not his baby because that would be too cruel despite what he did.  I took a couple more minutes to compose myself and jumped in the shower.  I walked downstairs, and found my mom sitting on the couch just waiting for me.  "I know you listened to it Camila and the walls are not exactly sound proof I could hear you crying.  Do you want to talk about it?"  "No mami I am okay really, thank you for asking.  I am proud to say that I am no longer going to keep this pregnancy a secret from him.  He deserves to be a part of his child's life.  I don't know when I will tell him, but I imagine he will know I am pregnant by the time the night is over because I am officially showing mama."  She got so excited and instantly had a big smile on her face.  "Oh my god really wow."  I put my hand under my belly and you could totally see it now.  The baby, our baby was trying to make sure the rest of the world knew it existed, and I was so excited.  A few minutes later my team showed up to get me ready for my performance.  My stylist and I had picked out a black suit dress with pink ruching on the shoulders.  We specifically picked this out because we weren't sure how much I would be showing.  The dress barely fit and you could definitely tell I was pregnant.  Let's just hope no one asks me about it on the red carpet tonight.  As soon as I was ready to go mom and I left with Steve to the event.  I walked the red carpet alone and posed for pictures then came all of the red carpet interviews.  I just hope they don't start asking about Shawn because I really have no patience for that right now.  The last interviewer was from E News.  "Hi Camila congratulations on this honor."  "Oh thank you so much, I am so happy to be here tonight everyone here is so inspiring."  "So you just announced your album release date, tour dates and are dropping a new song tonight.  How does this make you feel?"  "Oh my god I am so excited for everyone to hear Romance, and am even more excited to get to perform these songs for my fans.  Ahh I am just so excited."  "So today your boyfriend Shawn Mendes released a remix of Lover with both of your good friend Taylor Swift.  Can we expect another collaboration between the two of you in the near future?"  There it was the topic I was dreading.  I am not one to drag people and what goes on behind closed doors is nobody's business but ours.  "We collaborate on life. So, we'll see in music."  I thought about the words that just came out of my mouth, SHIT now they're going to think we are having a baby.  They are not wrong, but this is not how I wanted Shawn to find out, and I really wasn't ready for the rest of the world to know that I'm pregnant.  I was hoping that was the last thing she was going to ask, but no she kept going.  "Oh wow is this you telling us something.  Should we expect a baby as your next collaboration?"  Boom there it is.  I should really learn to keep my mouth shut because I set myself up for that one.  I am over here waiting to get interrupted telling me I have to go, but nope nada.  "Oh no haha.  What I meant by life is we're together, we are in a relationship so ergo we collaborate on life."  God I don't even believe what I am saying.  How is she going to believe what I am saying.  Oh well.  "Okay if you say so.  Good luck on your performance tonight."  "Thank you so much."  They then whisked me off backstage where my mom and Roger were there waiting for me.  I felt that I should tell them about what she asked me.  "Guys I may have slipped up to the E News reporter that I am pregnant."  He looked at me shocked.  "Did you literally say that you and Shawn are having a baby or was it more like implied because implied I can deal with."  "I mean she kind of asked when he and I would collaborate again, and I may have said that we collaborate on life."  He looked worried so I told him how I tried to save it.  "I saved it I think.  I told her that by life I mean that we are in a relationship."  "Okay I think that's okay.  Good save.  We don't want it getting out yet.  You're on in 10 minutes."  I went on stage and sang a few songs.  I was nervous so I made a drinking joke how ironic considering my current situation.  "So who's drunk?"  I barely got a laugh, and I could feel that I was turning red as a tomato.  Once I finished performing I was pooped, and I wanted to get home and sleep.  We drove back to my place, and I just couldn't wait to jump under my covers and sleep.  We dropped Roger off at the hotel he was staying at and Steve drove us home.  Steve dropped my mom and I off and he drove back to the hotel where he and Roger were staying.  My mom gave me a good night kiss and went up to her bedroom.  I was going to go straight to bed, but lately this baby has me craving muffins of all things, so I had Steve pick me up some a few days ago.  I think there are two muffins left at least I hope there are.  Why am I not surprised that I'm craving muffins it is Shawn's baby after all.  I wished I could feel happy about the baby making me crave things he loves, but I just can't get myself there yet.  I went to my bedroom took off my dress and removed my makeup.  I walked back into the kitchen to get my muffins, but I heard a knock on my door.  I wasn't expecting anyone at my door, especially at this hour, so I grabbed a knife from the kitchen and went to open the door.  I opened it and there he was standing right in front of me.