One more time

Chapter 13

-She kissed me…

Jihyo touched her lips once again. She has been on her bed for a while, gaze fixed on the ceiling. Summer breeze hit her bedroom’s window, moving the curtain from one side to another. This year’s temperature was going to be hotter than last year she had heard on the radio. Dahyun and Chaeyoung went to the neighborhood’s pool with Momo earlier that morning so she was home alone as her parents were working. Jihyo had excused herself saying she wasn’t in the mood and the others didn’t ask further as they knew better than force her.

Jihyo sighted. She was confused. Why did Mina do it? To Jihyo, Mina was only a friend but Mina think differently it seemed. She tried to recall if she had shown any signal of liking her more than in a friendly manner but failed.  Jihyo acted just as normal and so Mina did: they only talked, joked and hanged around, nothing else. Mina was shy so Jihyo thought nothing of the younger being flustered or nervous when alone but now she looked at it in a different perspective. 

Maybe Mina was just confused about her feelings, Jihyo concluded. They were really close so Mina maybe wanted to show how much she liked her? Maybe she wanted to kiss her cheek. The Japanese girl had mentioned before how cute Jihyo’s cheeks were. That was it, Jihyo thought. There was no way Mina liked her like that, right? It better was. Jihyo’s heart ached thinking on it. Mina was a wonderful girl and hurting her would be painful for her too. It was a misunderstood, she was sure, they could fix it. They could keep being friends and forget about it.

-It means nothing…

Jihyo looked around her bedroom. She looked at the plastered pictures all over it: there were models, celebrities, actresses. They all were beautiful, confident and powerful. Jihyo wanted to be like that. She admired them all, she was sure. She looked at the poster besides her bed, the one with her favorite one among all: Suzy Bae.

Suzy was Jihyo’s role model. She was a big fan since her idol days and Jihyo had followed her career as an actress as well. Suddenly Jihyo remembered an earlier event: She persuaded Mina into watching a drama with Suzy on it. They watched it together at the library as the librarian never ditched on them. Mina was unimpressed about the story but Jihyo was captivated by it. Suzy was the main character and every time she appeared on screen Jihyo squealed and expressed how pretty her unnie was. She sometimes mentioned how well she looked wearing certain clothes or hairstyles, boring Mina to no end.

One day, the first kiss of the main couple happened. Even if both girls expected it, it caught them off guard: Mina’s eyes grew as big as a plate and she covered her mouth at the scene. Jihyo´s face got red as a tomato and tried to look anywhere but the display. It was the first time both girls had seen something like that so they were awkward after it and decided to never watch another chapter together. Jihyo was all shy after it and Mina never mentioned anything about it.

Now she had figured. Was she that obvious? Did Mina noticed that time? Did Mina knew she was looking at Suzy instead of the male protagonist? Jihyo got scared at the thought. She had to clear things with her. Yeah, she kinda watched her unnie’s lips way too much that time but it didn’t mean she liked Suzy, right? It was normal to react that way, wasn’t it? Suzy was the actress that she idolized so seeing her being intimate was kinda embarrassing, wasn’t it? She blushed because of the situation not because she thought of her being adorable and attractive and so kissable… well, damn. Jihyo’s mind lost her focus. She wasn’t supposed to think like that.

Jihyo took a sit on her bed, looking at the poster again. Suzy was so beautiful. Everyone said that: She heard it on the news, on the TV, on radio. It was normal to like her, even her mom was a fan. Then why did it hurt her so much? Why did her heart felt like burning? Why did she keep it a secret? She knew she wasn’t normal after all. Maybe other people has seen it too. Maybe that was the reason no one liked her at school: they all knew. She had tried to hide it but looked like she failed.

Tears started to fall on the floor. Jihyo had tried to control her thoughts, her feelings, her reactions. Why was it so hard? Frustration started to win over, she was desperate. Jihyo covered her eyes while crying out load. No one was there after all so it didn’t matter. She cried with all her might, freeing herself from all the times she had to pretend she didn’t felt a thing. She cried so hard her lungs run out of air. Messy hair covered her face as she sniffed like a little child after tripping.

-I hate you so much, Mina

She was just bitter. She didn’t mean it but at the moment she needed a culprit, someone to take all guilt she felt away. Jihyo ruffled her hair after calming herself down. It was a gesture she had every time she didn’t know what to do. She sighed. She had to get her cool back and find a way to solve this mess.

Suddenly, a eureka moment: she remembered Mina gave her the diary. Probably she had written something useful on it, after all Mina seemed very fond of it when she gave it back. Jihyo went for it and read the last page, the one with Mina’s thoughts and feelings. She read it all at one go and couldn’t help but tremble at the words on it. Jihyo’s hands clenched on a fist and throw the diary with fury against the room.

-You are definitely the worst