How High?

Bella

It started as the slight tap of my finger tips against my thigh, progressing to my tongue dragging across my lower lip, a small twitch in my left eye, a fast and quiet shaking leg, an itch I couldn't quite scratch.

I couldn't sit there, conversing with Grayson, while I had that whole meal inside of me. If it was a light salad, I might've been able to deal with it, but not what I'd had. The calories and fat content and grease were pressing on my mind and my chest, leaving me unable to focus on literally anything that wasn't an escape plan to get to my gym.

Stop.

'Wow.' Grayson had been shocked by my lack of experience with orgasms and disgusted with the whole topic in general in relation to me, but he was now very amused and he laughed. 'You're basically a virgin.'

I frowned and brought my eyes up to meet his, seeing the water in the plastic bottle on the table slightly vibrating from the jiggling of my leg in my peripheral. 'We've had sex, Grayson. I told you this.'

'Yeah, but you've never come.'

Do I really count as a semi-virgin? This can't be happening.

'Surely that's not...' I took in our surroundings to make sure no one was listening in and then I lowered my voice. '...surely that's not a big deal. Right?'

I hadn't noticed I'd leaned forward until he did the same, matching my volume. 'Um...yeah? Are you insane?'

I let out a quiet breath and closed my eyes, bowing my head. 'Grayson, I really don't need another thing adding to my overall level of freak.'

The bringing up of slight emotions was known to make him uneasy, so he steered the conversation another way. 'Have you never masturbated?'

I put my forehead in my hand, mumbling, 'no', in shame.

'Woah. That's got to be some sort of record or something.' He puffed out a breath. 'Do you have any sort of sex drive?'

'I do!' I whipped my head around to make sure no one had heard. 'I do. I just...I've always thought it was weird. Inappropriate.'

'Inappropriate? What, were you raised in a convent?'

'No, but I did share a bed with my younger sister.' I took a sip of my water to give myself something to do and tried to pay attention to the cool liquid falling down my throat.

'Like, forever?' he questioned.

'If "forever" means from her birth until my moving out, then yeah. Forever.' I could tell that he didn't understand. 'Look, Grayson...I don't have your kind of money. I— we never have. I know that YouTube is a valid job and all that, but even without it, your family is very comfortable. Comfortable enough, even now, that they could definitely support you and Ethan.'

I'd had my hands in my lap, but I put one arm on the table and gripped my cup, anchoring myself. Talking about money always got me worked up and getting emotional in front of Grayson and everyone else in there was the absolute last thing I needed.

'I don't know if I can stay in college.'

I decided that that was enough. That I didn't have to say anymore. I'd already dished plenty and all I wanted to do was get out of there. I was under no fucking obligation to tell him anything let alone give him my whole plain life story, so I was finished. At least, I'd wanted to be.

'What do you mean?'

I inhaled, steadying myself and speaking calmly. 'I mean...I might not get an education.' Remain in control. 'I can't afford it.'

Grayson was well and truly baffled.

'That doesn't make any sense. Couldn't your parents help you out?'

'My dad is in critical condition and my mom is nowhere to be found. Even before any of this happened, when my mom was in the picture and my dad was fine, I was still barely managing to live and that's the best case scenario.'

His eyes had been studying mine the whole time as if looking for any sort of slight movement or hesitation. After a long time, he asked, 'do you need help?', to which I replied, 'in what way?'

His voice was solemn when he said, 'in every possible way.'