Poetry Is Art Is Love❤️ 2(Dear Sucker For Pain)

THE GODDAMN SHXTTY NOTE:12 O'CLOCK

I've always had the tendency of convincing myself that I am strong, that I am......brave, you know. I thought I was made of hard covering. I convinced myself that I cannot love any other person besides myself, which I don't. It's sad how I only feel the love for myself during the easy times. Every time someone got close to me, I'd bite them off, I forced myself into feeling repulsion towards love. Because honestly everyone who loves, ends up being hurt. Obviously I've never had an experience of a real relationship and my friends never let me give them advice about love, if I try giving someone else advice they'd say  "if you want to lose your relationship, take advice from her(referring to me)". Oh besides that time I tried dating and I decided to meet up with the guy, I was in grade 8. I went cold, I froze and I was literally shaking. I didn't even stay for 5 minutes. I asked my cousin to accompany me, well because she was more mature than I was I guess. When my cousin decided to go, I decided to go home too. She literally yelled and told me not to leave and just chill with the guy. But I just couldn't do it. I was scared and nervous. I ran off like a headless chicken and gave some lame excuse. It had been a week since we decided to date. When I got home, I broke it off, I just couldn't do it. Well lucky for me, girls were into him so I saved my ass from trouble,cause I sure do know I'm a coward, I can't fight, I'm bad at it. I can't even kill a roach. I'm scared of spiders, lizards, mice, roaches, frogs, dogs, cats, goats, cows,literally any animal you can think of, well.....besides an ant I think. So from then on I told myself that dating was definitely not for me. Mind you that was my first real boyfriend, even though I can't really call him that cause nothing really happened, I can't even say it's a relationship, saying that makes me feel sick. Ever since then I've hated relationships. I tried a couple of long distance relationships which I definitely prefer because y'all never really meet. Y'all date for probably a week and then break up, delete chats, unfriend and banggg Back to step 1 like it never happened. I honestly can't handle the pressure of a relationship, always wondering what your partner is doing, who he/she is with. It's sad and depressing. Not replying to texts. But then one madafucka came😹. My hard covering started to fall off. My friends have boyfriends, I don't. Goddammit I'm lonely,shit. I thought life was actually being kind to me, I thought damn just give it a try. It was a long distance relationship, maybe some company could help. But it was just karma with a mask on. I've always known that love leads to heartbreak but when you having fun, damn you just don't realize that the end is not always a happy, little did I know the end was near. Don't ask me what happened, no he didn't cheat, and no I didn't too. It just wasn't working out I guess. Worse part was, I had put all my faith into it, stupid right? Yeah I know. Who really believes in long distance relationships they suck and the people aren't really who they are. I sort of fell in love I suppose. But now we just friends. But it's a good thing though. What I'm just saying is fuck love, fuck relationships. People should stop using the word love to replace the word fuck. I mean why can't people just say "hey you're pretty, wanna fuck or something?" instead of "I love you". And no me and the dude never slept together. I'm obviously not going to be doing that anytime soon. What am I really saying? I'm confusing myself argh. Know what, nevermind I said anything, just erase what you just read throughout the whole paragraph because honestly, who am I to tell people what and what not to do? Everyone has their own lives to live. In life anything is possible. Just grow some pubcic hair and deal with it.