loser (stenbrough)

Ten

    The time I spent with Bill went way better than I expected it to go. I found out Bill was gay- courtesy of his friend Richie Tozier- and Bill didn't even deny it. He admitted it right there on the spot, without a doubt in the world. He wanted me to go home at first but I stuck around, comforting him and telling him it would be okay. Then I got the confidence to come out too. Bill was pretty much satisfied after that, it seemed like a lot of his anxiety went away after that went down. Not all, but some. We spent our walk to the Aladdin just chatting- about school, life, being gay, and he told me what had happened with Richie. His "friend" that outed him right in front of me. Of course, in hindsight it was a good thing for both of us, but that wasn't Richie's intention.

    When we got inside, he tried to pay for his ticket, but I wouldn't let him. It was a date after all, wasn't it?

    The movie wasn't all that great, but Bill seemed to enjoy it, and he wouldn't stop talking about it after we got out of the theatre. His stutter seemed to momentarily disappear as he got more comfortable and confident being around me, only coming up a few times when he wasn't sure what to say. I let him talk most of the way to his house, his excitement was too cute to pass up listening to.

    As we walked to his house, he started shivering. It seemed like both of us were way too worried about how everything would go to think of grabbing a jacket on our way out, but I wrapped my arm around his waist and let him lean against me as he walked. That was the most romantic gesture I could really give him. If he wanted my sweater, I'd be walking around Derry in 47 degree weather without a shirt on.

    We got to his house. Both of us changed into our pajamas pretty quickly, and when I got into his room he was already underneath his blankets, staring at me with anticipation. "Cold," he explained, pulling the blanket closer to his chest. I dropped my backpack in the corner and plopped down on his bed next to him. He pulled me closer, and threw his blanket over me. So there we were, that Friday night, underneath his covers, Bill still freezing his ass off.

    Bill's bedroom was pretty neat. I could only assume he cleaned it in a panic the few hours he had before walking to the Kissing Bridge- or maybe his room was always neat and tidy like it was now. Some notable things in his room included a huge bookshelf, one half filled with actual books, and the other half filled with notebooks. I wasn't sure why he had so many at first, but then I remembered the one he was writing in the time we first met in the park. A few days after we met, over Snapchat, he also told me he liked to write stories. How many stories did this kid write, for God's sake? I considered asking him, but decided not to. It wasn't the time. The other notable thing in his bedroom was a cork board filled with pictures, from a distance I could only assume the vast majority of them were of him and his family, out on vacation or visiting relatives. Something you might see in a white girl's bedroom. I wanted to get back up and take a closer look, but I had plenty of time to do that later.

    As I sat there, lost in thought over his notebooks, I took notice that Bill had been watching every second of it. I turned to him, making him blush deeply and turn away. Apparently boys were just as confusing as girls. Did he want to get caught? Or was that staring completely accidental, unintentional? Only Bill would know.

    I wanted to tell him I loved him, all of a sudden. What better time to say it than right now? A consequence of telling him that, if he didn't like me back, was ruining everything. By everything, I meant my hope. Hope that sooner or later, I'd be with Bill romantically. Hope that he liked me back. If I didn't have hope, what would I have?

    "Still cold?" I asked, looking at him the way he looked at me before I caught him. He made eye contact this time, nodding and scooting closer like he knew what I was implying, knew what I wanted. I put my arms around him, and he put his arms around me. His head resting on my chest, we stayed there for a while, happy, yet still longing. Still wanting. At least, I was.

    I remembered the question he asked me earlier, about who I liked. If he could ask me that, it was only fair I could ask him in return, right? So I did.

    "Who do you like?"

    It took forever for the words to come out of my mouth. I spent a little while considering if this was the best thing, the best for me, the best for him, the best thing to say right now, but my thoughts didn't matter in the end. It came out before I made a real decision. If I were to make that decision now, I would've never said it.

    He wasn't allowed to be mad, either. Again, he asked me. That meant we both have the same curiosity, and if his curiosity came from a different place than mine did, I could say the same. Use his excuse. Ohh, haha, no. I don't like you either. Such a coincidence both of us are gay and don't like each other, huh?

    "Someone," he answered, it didn't take him long to think about it. "Everyone likes someone, you kuh-k-know?" Bill didn't look up from my chest, but instead shifted his head.

    "Oh," I said. "Well, does that mean you don't want to share?"

    Bill pulled away from my chest and looked me in the face, smiling. "No... don't think I want to share. Do you?" he asked, not seeming timid about the subject at all. Did that mean he wasn't afraid? If he wasn't afraid, he didn't like me. Or, did that mean he wanted me to be the one to confess?

    There's only one way to find out, I suppose.

    "Bill," I said quietly. The softness in my tone got his attention, because he was completely focused on me in that moment, the smile from his face gone.

    He hesitated, lips parted slightly as he studied my face. "Yeah?" Bill asked, as if it pained him to talk. That was okay. I could do the talking.

    "It's you. I love you, you know that?" I confessed, eyes locking with his.

    I'd remember this moment forever, as maybe the first guy I ever asked out, or the first time I'd ever been rejected, or the first boy I dated...

    "Oh sh-shit," he said almost immediately, pulling away from me. "You do?" Bill asked, looking away from me and biting his bottom lip.

    My arms fell to my lap as Bill pulled away. Why was he acting like this? I didn't expect him to do- say- that to me, after what I told him, and how he acted all night. Maybe he didn't like me after all. I sat up straight and narrowed my eyes, watching him closely. "Yes? I do like you." All of my fears were confirmed now. He hadn't been afraid of my answer, simply because he didn't care. He didn't like me and didn't expect me to like him, either. It was another boy he had his eyes on, everyone likes someone, you know?

    He pulled his hand up to scratch the side of his face, not daring to look at me. "You do," he mumbled to himself, as if trying to accept what I was saying.

    "Yep," I replied, trying to keep my voice from breaking. I started to stand up. "And if you don't like me back, well, that's fine. I can just walk home," I offered, smiling. On the inside, I was not smiling.

    Bill met my eyes, suddenly looking panicked. "No! I mean, don't go, don't go, please-" He jumped up and grabbed my arm, pulling me back down on the bed with him. "I like y-you tuh-t-too. Just, I'm sorry, I couldn't- couldn't th-thuh-think."

    My jaw gaped in disbelief. "Oh my god, I'm so relieved. Bill, I was about to cry," I told him, watching as he shook his head and smiled.

    "Sorry, I-" he started again, but didn't finish. Bill just looked at me, neither of us knowing what to say or do next. Part of me wanted to think he wasn't telling the truth- he didn't act so thrilled to know his crush liked him back. "What... next?" he asked, looking to me like a lost puppy. I smiled, yet again relieved.

    "We date now. If you want." I took his hand in my own, biting down on the inside flesh of my cheek, waiting for him to say he's not ready to be in a relationship or some type of bullshit like that.

    Instead of making excuses, he actually surprised me with his answer. "Yeah," he said breathily, smiling again. Bill wasn't quite looking me in the face, but that was okay. The redness in his cheeks told me he loved me all the same.