over a decade of disorder

2) anxiety, paranoia & anger

My head is always crammed full with the beginnings of ideas and i feel overwhelmed by my thoughts. I can't concentrate because I can't pick one idea. Each time I try and start one thing my mind whirls and all I can think is "was this the right choice? do i really want to be doing this over the other ideas i have? what if i should have picked something else"
At first I was diagnosed with Adult ADD and it made sense, I can't concentrate.
Thinking back to HS I might have had a mild degree of ADD/ADHD was outgoing, impulsive, and loud but I got good grades, wasn't disruptive and excelled in sports.
I concentrate the best while doing something else (example: i made it through college by constantly eating while typing papers) Its like i need a monotonous or background activity to complete other things. Working out was like that too I needed TV, music, magazine and sometimes that wasn't enough.
ADD medication (Straterra, Adderall, Dexedrine) did nothing for me in terms of concentration. I felt jittery and over caffeinated. In college people had told me how great it is to have meds like those and how I would be able to study and concentrate for hours. That was definitely not the case. (on a related ADD med note my appetite in NO WAY decreased)
A few years ago I started thinking even though I fit most of the criteria for ADD, maybe thats not it. I have always been anxious and slightly paranoid (mostly out of insecurity - straining to hear if I was being talked about in HS, worrying if we partnered up in class if I would be sitting there alone forced to work with someone else that also didn't have a friend in the class that didn't like someone else better)
When I get alot of work to do, I immediately feel overwhelmed and get this rush of adrenaline. My thoughts race and I want to get everything done NOW. right now. I have trouble thinking about where to start and how to prioritize. Luckily its manageable where I can calm myself down and get my work done. Anxiety meds (Xanax, Ativan) do work quickly but they also leave me feeling tired and slow for the rest of the day after the anxiety has passed.

.

I never had any close friends in HS and would DREAD group work since everyone in my class had someone they liked better than me. It was so embarrassing and awful to be sitting there like the loser with no friends. This really increased my social anxiety and this particular situational anxiety plagued me all through HS, into college and now into my work life.
I hate the idea of running into ANYONE from my HS. I've convinced myself that no one liked me and that if I reached out to anyone they would look at me like "WTF we were never friends in HS WHY are you friending me on fb, talking to me etc". Its almost like I feel like this person and I must have had a fight that I just don't remember and now I'm acting like everything is great and we are totally close
When I think back I can't really remember how I left things with people - I don't think I had any fallings out but at the same time I can't be sure that they liked/like me
I REFUSE to friend people on facebook from my past. My thoughts are they can friend me. I have thought to myself why the hell is this person friending me?! we never even spoke in HS. I get anxious that people might be thinking that about me.

.

I've always cared about what other people think of me. And when I say "other people" I mean ALL other people. Anyone who meets me, sees me, passes me on the street etc. I think I became paranoid in HS (with good reason since I was being talked about behind my back at the time) and heightened my senses. I can hear things that are spoken very softly - co-workers are always amazed that I can hear the things they say 2 or 3 cubicles away
I know everyone talks about people, including people they really like - I mean I do it too. Most of the time I can handle it since I openly joke about my flaws (I'm ok if you talk about something I already know about myself like I'm WAY too hyper early in the morning and can get annoying)
I am always paranoid about how I am perceived in social situations. I wear blackout sunglasses so I can observe everything around me without people seeing that I am scrutinizing my surroundings. Rationally I'm sure that most people don't even give me a second thought and the ones that do forget about me a minute later. I plan my outfits and do my hair and makeup and look the part of someone who is together and fashionable. I strive to not be thought about negatively - I'm looking for neutral or positive responses.
I am even paranoid about how I am perceived by my husband and we have been together for over 11 years. I still wear makeup to cover blemishes after I've washed my face if he is going to see me. I wont discuss certain things with him (anything embarrassing/gross, my mental health). I know he would never say anything to me but I feel like it would affect the perception he has of me. I get that I should feel comfortable and be myself but its nothing to do with him its just my paranoia

.

I often wonder if my angry outbursts are rooted in my anxiety. Even things that do not need to be rushed I feel the tightness in my chest & the need for others to HURRY UP!
I definitely can get angry to the point of not being able to control it. luckily that doesn't happen very often. i also hold grudges. grudges that fester and consume my thoughts. its all i can think about and sometimes i wonder if by focusing all of my thoughts and energy on being angry that i'm escaping from my head. from thinking about how unhappy and confused i am about my life.
I have a really hard time letting go when someone does something to me and if i have to see that person everyday at work for example then i have a really really hard time getting over it. i've been able to get over things before but i never had to see the person again.
I feel like if i can get my sh*t in order that i might not need to hold on to the anger anymore. and i say might because i'm always afraid that i'll get my hopes up that x,y. or z will be the answer and that once i accomplish it i will still feel like i do now.