over a decade of disorder

3) purpose & passion

My life looks good from the outside. happily married, house, job that pays decently well that I like (as far as desk jobs go), loving family & in-laws.....
so why do I feel this void? I constantly rack my brain to the point of exhaustion trying to figure out what I could do to fill it. Every answer I come up with scares me - what if I sacrifice things in my life to take a new route and I end up feeling the same way I do now.
I thought that the problem might be that I need a job that will add meaning/ purpose to my life - well none of those jobs pay so I'd have to have a crap load of money already
I thought about volunteering but for some reason all the volunteer opportunities are during the day when I'm at work. I had the best time volunteering at our local hospital but that was when I was unemployed 2 years and if I had gotten anything other than a full time job I would have lost my unemployment benefits. Volunteering while unemployed was the BEST thing I could have done. It opened my eyes to what really matters and it gave me skills and something to put on my resume to show that I was being productive while out of work.
"I'll try and start over again tomorrow" I never believe it when I say it - I wish I could have something that I was working towards that I cared about. Nothing is motivating or special to me. I've trained and ran in half marathons, I've planned fundraisers and events, I've gotten in shape for weddings and special events. It all feels so pointless.
When I was deep into my eating disorder I remember being terrified of reaching my goal weight because in the back of my mind there was a part of me that knew that when I did I would still feel miserable. Being a certain weight was not going to magically change how I felt.
I've done activities & gained a sense of community but in my down time I still feel like I'm missing something. This always happens to me - the novelty wears off as soon as I realize that the activity/job/hobby isn't going to fill the hole. and I know that it wasn't going to.
I can't make decisions- I can't even make a dream board - I can never pick one thing because for some reason I've never had a clear idea of what I want. Nothing drives me. I would love to do the kind of work that a person can only do if they have enough money to never have to have a real full time job. To even volunteer in the areas that I want I would have to have a job at night - all of the volunteer opportunities are during normal business hours. Every second shift job I have found pays no where near what I am making now.

am i just killing time until i die? is loving, being loved and being grateful for that
all there really is?
the world seems to be all about love or lack of love - people want to love and be loved, hate is the absence of love- it seems like that is it - so i work to have money to do things with my loved ones and strengthen our love/ relationship - maybe bringing love into others lives?

love is the meaning of life - life is about wanting love, finding love, growing love, losing love, & rejoining love after death
I want to grow the love between me and my family so we will be rejoined after death

I have been thinking and stressing about this for YEARS now and all I want is for it to stop. At this point I would rather be drugged up and blissfully unaware than feeling this desperate, depressed, hopelessness.