His Exclusively

Chapter 1: Difficult question

"What?" I ask closing my eyes briefly before opening them again. I try to look anywhere but at Jake right before me. I need to find something else to occupy my mind, rather than be in this sticky situation.

I could only dream of having such a beautiful apartment as his.
Luxurious high ceiling, higher than those in normal apartments. Wide windows stretching all round the space that creates a modern feel and a good view. Inside, everything felt cold and empty, neutral shades of white and grey covered the walls. It was open, inviting and very "now". A stray, lifeless, indoor plant, the thing I realise I had been staring at for quite a while, pulls me back to reality and I realize the situation I am trapped in.

I don't often get caught daydreaming, I guess today is an exception. Maybe I want to have something to take away the memory of what took place moments before. This conversation. That one question.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" I play the sentence in my mind on repeat. This is actually happening.

"I'm not sure we know what we are doing..." I say. "What I mean is that I'm not sure we should catch feelings. We have a great friendship. We may be fine now but I don't want to regret our decision later on."

The words sound so strange coming from my mouth, like it doesn't belong there, it sounds so foreign.

I also know that if I don't let my rejection sting strongly, he would never believe me. Still now, doubt trace a sad look on his normally, outrageously handsome features.

I actually never realized the depth and beauty in this man. I look at him and take it all in: forest green eyes with golden splashes situated perfectly between the outline of his eye and the retina. I must say, I have never been fascinated more by eyes. It has a way of telling all there is to a person, through the eyes. But now, I feel pained looking at the expression his held.

His dark pink, almost red, full lips inch across, those lips that could smile so easily. I can't help but feel bad for taking his smile away, like I don't do this man any justice.

I feel regret nibbling at my heart, how could I ever hurt him like this repeatedly?
Have I been staring at reality nonchalantly?
How did I never read into the stance of my relationship to Jake?

Lizzy always comments on the "smoke" between us. I never knew what she meant, but now. It's clear as daylight.

"How do you know that we can't work if you aren't willing to try?" My eyes cut to his, I heard what he said and it's as if his words hit me right in the core of my being. He was right. How could I?

"Jake, I don't think I can do this. I like you a lot. Well some days mostly, but the thought of losing your friendship and you, I'd rather not!"

Suddenly, his head fell to his chest. The look of defeat on Jake doesn't sit well with me. I realize it isn't the first time I am rejecting him. But the chaos that's trying to overrule my mind doesn't come close to the tension on display in the room.

We remain seated in his empty livingroom. The only decor was the television on its stand and the deep retro orange sofa and the wooden table in the middle with the stray indoor plant.

"I mean you're my best friend and I love you, I want to be..." 

I feel as if, for once, walls are falling fast, crashing with great cause, and I don't need to save myself. Or run. The thing is, I have always felt safe in Jake's presence, and this moment of clarity came so unexpectedly.

Maybe he loves me more than friends, am I a fool to misplace that special feelings with love of when a person is young? I feel so uncertain.

His lips pressed onto mine with an audible thud. I can't think straight and before I can help myself, our lips work in sync. I push him away softly, opening my eyes.

"Sorry..." I blab, not knowing what else to say. Really? In this exact moment, why can't I just say something?

What the hell are we doing?

"Hannah," he breathes. He is breathing awfully loud. As stare at him, I don't know if I should say anything, even if I do, it would most likely be the wrong thing to say.

"I know you feel the same. I would never hurt you, I swear, you know it, I won't," he says catching his breath.

"I don't know if I can do this Jake. We're..."

"We're friends is that what you were going to say?"

"Yes. We. Are. Friends." Goodness, what is becoming of me? Am I losing my sanity?

Is he mad now? Annoyed? His face, it takes a form I have never seen before.

"What can I do to have you believe I'm not that bad? Can you tell me that after all this time you never caught on, that I might have feelings for you, that you feel the same way?" He asks patiently, his eyes holding mine ever so slightly.

"I know you won't stop. And, unfortunately, I am not sure what I want for me. This? Us? I have no idea. And I don't feel like talking about feelings Jake, you know that about me." Jake is one of the only people that know that I don't really open up.

"I don't know what you think, but I know the look you give me when I did something random or stupid, the way you laugh at my bad jokes and how your eyes light up when we're together." 

"You may not say it but I am honest, I know it. We have a connection, I feel you when we are parted by distance, don't you dare deny it." He sighs deeply, "you know it's true."

My mind feels like it is in different corners of the room and then intact again. I am losing my sanity completely! 

"Would it really be that bad?" he asks, hope lacing his velvet voice.

"No! I mean to say that..." I am not sure what I mean to say.

"Then be mine!" He exclaims. "Hannah, I can't keep away from you, you consume my every thought."

"Sorry?" I ask dumbfounded, scowling.

Does he perhaps know that's not how I mean for it to sound? He knows me well enough. Years now, we have been friends. Still, you can never really know a person, not fully, ever.

"I have loved you since we met. You drove me insane then and I was hoping that you would feel the same. I know that you're sensitive on this topic, but I am poisoning my heart, keeping my feelings from you."

I should say something now, but how do I wrap my head around all this new information?

"Well, we clearly have to talk. Lots have happened and but I have to get going. See you later?" I grab my bag, I have to see Liz now. ASAP!

"You're right, just- think about what I said. Please."

I nod understandingly to his direction and dart through the door.
My heart and my mind is completely out of sync. Completely.