His Exclusively

Chapter 7: Shock

I remember that it felt like I was being pulled from existence. I blinked once, and everything fell into nothingness. My whole body was shaking, yet I remained seated in the position, like I had been countless times when going out on a drive. The impetus caused by the crash had me holding on for dear life! I sat there staring straight at the opposite side of where I intended to go. I can hear my heart thud trying to relive the incident. The collision followed right after I initiated the right turn. The deafening blow ringing in my ears pulled me back to earth, the man outside my window, he looked relieved. And then I was gone.

Everything after is so blurry, but the reason for my lack of control behind the wheel, is the same thing that had me reeling for months now.

I can't focus in class, I am most certainly failing at least two classes, my relationship to Lizzy and to Jake is on the rocks. I might be overthinking everything, but their meetings keep getting more intimate, and my heart gets heavier thinking about all the times I see them together.

I can't remember the last night that I have had dreamless sleep, I run on coffee and anxiety. Jake is so confused by my odd behaviour, I have locked him out of my life almost completely. He initiates conversations, to which I have little interest or nothing to say.

I am not on track with Liz anymore, I feel so out of touch with her. She was once my reason for going on. My only confidant when I had no direction in life. She bought me back to life and sparked my interests again. When I left home and every broken moment from my past life, she held me upright. Liz was my only friend until I met Jake, of course.

Right about now, I need some direction. Someone or something to pull me upright and spark my interests again. I am over overthinking the situation that is Jake and Liz. They would never ever hurt me on purpose.

My mind has turned into a dangerous weapon once again. I will not allow myself to fall into a crippling space again, no longer will I question, it exhausts me.

Jake came to see me earlier. I am off for a week to recover from the accident. He was so sad to see me this way, it was my own fault. And I can't help but feel like I have willed myself to come to this.

Hannah, please, talk to me. What is going on in your mind? Just tell me, I want to support you.

He cared for me, still, even though I have been shutting him out. I know that Jake wants only the best for me. He knows my past, as does Liz. I should make them part of my life again. I need to talk to them ASAP!

When I had fled from my home after finishing middle school, I would have lost myself completely. I had just met Lizzy then, and it felt like I had known her for years and she, me.
Things back home was just what you'd expect it to be being the daughter of a sadistic widow and a drunk of a father. Imagine the impact that has on a person.

My brother was adopted when I was still very little. I have not seen Andrè in a few months. He has always been a free spirit, some days I envy the rebel in him. He has probably seen the whole country by now. He only visits on times that he remembers he has a sister, holidays mostly, Easter, my birthday, Christmas.
We keep in touch good, maybe I should text him soon. It will be good talking again, to catch up, and to see how he's doing. I really miss him.
I make a mental note to pop into his dm's later today.

On my desk is a ton of work to be read through, notes to be made, activities to be done all before the next week. I really need to get started on that, before I think of other things and forget about it completely.
I shut my door firmly and and pull out the work of my favourite subject, my textbook and my stationary bag. Educational Psychology 101, and before I know it, I'm done and have to take a break.

As I walk out the door and into the hallway toward the balcony, I get a glimpse of myself in the rectangular mirror, I still look like the usual me, I look like the tipical young girl, but I am not just an ordinary girl. I know that I have been through a lot, and that's why I have to make the lives of little girls and boys easier no matter their social status or home situations. My future classroom will be a safe haven for the kids. I want to motivate and lead with a friendly heart and a sharp mind.

As I sit on the comfy stool beside the railing, staring down from the balcony, watching a few people walking by, I know that I have found purpose again and I won't stop pushing to better myself until I have realitized all of my aspirations that are known to me now and in the future.

But first, I pull out my phone to text my brother, Andrè. He is a missing puzzle piece in my bent life.
I ask him where he is now and how things are going and if he had heard any news from our parents back home, knowing that he wouldn't have. It will only be a few hours before he replies back.

As I stand up to get some coffee, I realize that I feel much better. I smile at myself knowing that I can conquer the battle between my mind and my heart. Every step I take is knowing that it can be overcome. But first, the coffee addict in me is yearning for a huge, strong cup.