When tears turn to blood

Chapter 1

     When you loose two good friends, it's hard. What's even harder is knowing you were the soul cause of it. If it weren't for you they'd still be alive. They'd still be breathing and trying to enjoy life, but no. You had to ruin everything. You had to cut them short of life because you don't know how to think things through.

 I tell myself this multiple times a day. I do it because it's true. If I was smart enough to think of the outcomes of what the rumble could bring Mike and Vince Shepard would still be alive. Yes, Vince did commit suicide but that was because Mike died, and he died on my watch. I was leader of the the gang so I was in charge of the whole situation.

 Their deaths were only two months ago. In that time I became a teenager. Hopefully I became smarter too. Mary and I hooked up. People think it's odd since she's too years older than me, but whatever. Mark and Evelyn broke up. It was for the best. Mark isn't mature enough to have a relationship. Who knows, I may kill Mary too. Norman toughed up a lot. Whenever a Soc crossed his path he makes it clear they better leave him be, or else. Jack and Annie started to date. They're doing good. Neither of them changed very much. Sussie's still torn up about it. She had a big crush on Mike and when he died she lost it. I'm in the same boat as her. Jo's still the same old Jo. Fun and fancy free.

 I hold so many secrets you wouldn't even begin to comprehend them. No one would. Not Annie, Mary mom, dad, or even Mark. They wouldn't understand, so I keep to myself. Every night I cry myself to sleep. All I have to do is think of all that happened and the tears poor from my eyes.  The same way the blood flows from my wrist after a fresh, open cut. You heard me right. I'm a cutter. I started about a month after Mike and Vince's funerals. After every time the cuts get deeper and longer. The reason I self harm is for two reasons. One is to punish myself for the terrible loss I've caused, and two I use cutting to substitute for binging and then purging. I would get depressed then eat a lot of food, and afterwards  I'd go throw it up. Because of that my teeth started to become brittle and rotten. I started becoming sneaky about it once mom pointed it out.

 So you pretty much know everything about me now. My dirtiest secrets I wish I didn't have. The time I hate them the most is when I stare outside my window and look down at all the happy little children. Memories of myself came back because I used to be those happy little kids, with no cares in the world.

 A ringing sound takes me out of my train of thought. My phone was ringing. Dad put a telephone in my room for me to use only. He said it was so me and Mary could talk privately. I assume he thought of something else when he gave me that smirk he usually gives. I went to go answer the phone.

 ''Hello?''

 ''Hey E!'' Jo yelled through the phone. He sounded happy. I wondered why.

 ''What's up?''

 ''Is ya free?''

 ''...Ya,'' I said slowly. Jo had by far the worst grammar I've ever heard, and when he asked if you were free to hang out out of the clear blue sky, it was most likely to a rough hang out.

 ''Could ya come down to the Ribbon to meet me and the fellas?''

 ''Sure,'' I agreed reluctantly. 

 ''OK cool.'' Jo hung up. I went downstairs and walked out the door. Mom and dad weren't home, and Annie was with Victoria and a couple of her other friends. The Ribbon was a pretty long walk from my house so I decided to jog. My fat self could use the exercise anyways. Another thing about the Ribbon was that it wasn't the best place for kids to be hanging around at. It was a greaser hang out. Fights, muggings, and just about everything else happened. Greasers and Socs aren't the thing anymore. We still wear leather jackets occasionally, but now a lot of people are into the peace signs and wearing all black clothing. I fit under the goth category because I'm into sadness. Don't ask me. This one goth girl told me all about it.