We just want to be Normal.

Our Letter

My love Gorge,

I know you'll be confused about my passing. Everyone was. My parents knew from a young age I had complications with my heart due to my twin, and she had formed another heart in me that was not fully ready. I never told you any of this and now I know I should have. I'm sorry. I just didn't see how necessary it is for you to worry about me when all I want to worry about is you. The doctors tried and tried with many operations, but they never saw me passing the age of 20. I guess they were right, stupid doctors aha... that's why in my little time I have left, I'll write it all to you.

Every moment I spend away from you, it hurts. I loved everything about you. I loved your impurities, your perfections, your insecurities and you in general. You touched my grey dull eyes and made my world full of color. I got to see the best in the world thanks to you.

It's true. Before I met you, I was depressed. I had nothing and no one because I was some delicate flower hidden in a glass vase, only looking at the outside from the inside, only admired from afar. I hated that. I had nothing. I had no one. My time- if it was possible, froze and went on knowing each day I'll die. Sometimes I looked in my bathroom mirror as the light danced on it, and ran the tap; I thought to myself... What's the point? What happens if I just end it now? I didn't have anything. I was left alone in my brain, no voice for comfort, no voice for love, no voice at all. By the time I was 8, I gave up trying to find anything to fix my condition. I realized at that young age the difference between life and death and how I will not live as long as other little boys and girls would. At first, I found that was unfair. How could someone's life be more valuable than another? How selfish can people be? But I had to get used to it. At 10 years old, I caught my mother crying downstairs on the kitchen table with all my baby pictures, with my dad comforting her. She was crying about me.

I guess that's why I never wanted to tell you.

Because I don't want to be the reason you cry, or feel sad, or upset. Or anyone at that matter. It seemed when my mother cried I knew that I only probably had half my time on this earth left. I was causing too much pain for my mother acting upset, so I had to be strong- for her. Now that I've passed, I hope she's okay. I knew my death has the potential to break her. I just don't know when, where or what time or even how. So please look after her.

I had a theory, that helped to swallow the thick pill of death. Maybe if there was a god, he was calling for me to come home early? Maybe I'm needed for something greater or better. There had to be some explanation. I was a kid.

I finally asked my parents to go into schooling later that year, and the first year they treated me like I was different. I tried to fit in, whether it was new shoes, hairstyles or phones. I tried. But I was just 'that sick girl' hidden at the back of the class, never included in games, P.E or any parties. Not even the bullies looked at me as a target, I guess they could smell that I was already dead. Then after that, my dad died.

He committed suicide.

I found him, on the kitchen floor, with the rope around his neck and his face purple. I'll never forget that. The father was so loving and kind, so funny and always positive and strong. Who lifted me up and higher then any cloud or mountain or plane could when I was a child. Someone who was smarter then Einstien and helped with my homework.. Or someone funnier than any cartoon I've seen. Someone stronger than superman, lifting up my bed so I could gather my toys. Someone as rich as a millionaire who bought me a bunch of daises every year for my birthday. Someone who let me dance upon his feet when I didn't know how to, or carry me when I was deeply tired. Someone so perfect like that, dead and cold, left lying on my kitchen floor.

I didn't know what to do, or who to call first. So I kept shaking him, crying. Yelling over and over to wake up or come back to me, please. I called my mom, she came running home from her job.