Letters you'll never get

Dear 6

You are tame now, your glassy eyes tell me so. You sit in a bubble of your own, heavy head resting on knees tucked into chest. I can touch you now, uncertain fingers brush the back of your neck, brush the twisted black strands that reside there. You do not react to my touch, do not turn to snap at me as you once would have done under different circumstances. I do not bother to call your name or try to speak to you, your earphones are in and I can faintly hear the beat of some song you love.

My hand runs through your hair and you relax into my touch, it is moments like this where I am in favour to the drug in you. It makes you so docile, so approachable, like you once were.

The drug in your system, that makes you so numb, does it cloud your mind, do you know it is me who is touching your neck? Do you think it is some pale beauty, one of your pale beauties, come to admire you. Do you know it is me, some old shadow who cannot seem to leave you. The same one who is always there when you are like this, who watches with wary eyes and cares with cautious hands. It does not matter if it is me, I am always gone when the drug wears away so I take advantage of your tame state, to be close again.

I am kneeling behind you now, fingers still tangled in your soft messy hair as I lean my head against your shoulder. The strong muscles there shift sluggishly under the new weight, you try to turn your head to look but you cannot think straight so you abandon the idea abd return to your knees. I am allowed to rest here. Your shoulder is warm against my cheek, and soft, your dark hair twists around my gentle fingers. 

In this moment as I pretend to be how it was, I forget how it is.

But is doesn't last, I have to go and you are sobering up. I stand and look down at you still curled there. I am reluctant to leave but I do, without a goodbye. I do not look back, I know you are fine.

                                                                You are always fine.

Kind, withheld regards,
                   K.