short ramblings of a mentally unstable fire sign✨

9.10.18

There's nowhere that I belong. There's nowhere that I fit in. I have friends and family and I'm sure some of them care for me, genuinely. But I'm not the same as them. I'm the disappointment. The high school drop-out. The jobless cat-lady. The one destined to fail. We talk about the same things and we relate on some things but we don't fit. We don't belong together. We can laugh and carry on about shared hobbies and interests but it doesn't match up. You are you and I am me. We are separate beings with separate destinies and separate hearts and separate fates. We'll not stay together here. We'll drift and roam. You'll drift and roam as I fall back into my hole of solitude and try to stay out of your way. You'll leave and lead the life you were meant to and you'll forget about me, in time. Or maybe you won't forget. But you won't feel regret or sorrow soon enough. You'll have the memories. You'll know who you thought I was. But you'll never know who I am. Nor will you understand that we're oil and water. I love you. And I want to believe that you love me as well. But that's not always a guaranteed happy ending. In fact, more often than not, it's the opposite. I'm trying to say that, you know things I haven't the courage to admit to anyone else. Your mind and heart hold so many of my dearest and deepest secrets and you'll never know how grateful it makes me that you've kept them. But there are far more things shrouded within my mind that no one can ever see. Things stick in my ears and in my brain like darts to a dartboard and it's a curse. Little remarks that aren't meant to hurt but meant as jokes, buzz around my head like flies to rotten fruit. Friends, partners, teachers, parents. All of them. The comments that should be effortlessly shrugged away and forgotten cling to the lashes of my eyes, pulling them down. Drowsiness. I'm exhausted. The weight of my eyelids and fighting to keep them from closing have drained the life out of me. So here I go. I'm going to let myself drift off. But you'll not be as saddened as you seem to assume you will. You'll mourn, heal, and move on. You'll grow and live and laugh and love and I'll become a distant memory that you only think of when you come across an old song of ours or an old photograph. You'll be okay. Don't even worry about it. I've never belonged here. I'm off to find out where I do.