The Closer I Get is the Further I Feel (Chris x Balz)

If You're Leaving Baby Let Me Down Slowly

Get ready for a rollercoaster
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Chris' POV

I lay in my bunk, biting my lower lip, not being able to fall asleep. Josh actually liked me.. He.. He loved me?  And he cut himself because he thought... Oh fuck.. I can't believe I hurt him as badly as I have.. And said the things I did.. And- And- god I fucking told everyone what he did.. "FUCK" I shout and smack my hand over my face. Devin is right. I don't deserve that beautiful, broken boy. I'll just break him more. I'm such a piece of shit..

"Chris?.." I hear a voice whisper from outside my bunk. I sigh and pull back the curtain to reveal a concerned Josh, "I-I heard you shout as I was getting up to go to the bathroom and I just.. wanted to see if you were okay.." He explains, stumbling over his words. After everything he still cares? I move and swing my legs over to get down, seeing Josh flinch back out of the corner of my eye.

"Here will you.. Step outside with me?" I ask hesitantly, he stands quietly for a moment before nodding.

"You go ahead, I'll be out in a second." He then slips into the bathroom and I grab my pack of cigarettes as I walk to the door. Once outside, I lean against the bus and sigh deeply. This will either go drastically bad or decently well. I shake my head and take out a cigarette, lighting it up and taking a long drag from it before blowing out the smoke. I close my eyes as I lean my head back, all of my thoughts regarding Josh swirling around my head. When the bus door opens, I snap my head up and wipe away a tear I hadn't even realized fell as I look over to see Josh.

"Hey.." I mutter as he walks over to me. He smiles at me weakly and stops in front of me, staring down at his feet, "I'm sorry for telling the whole band that you.. Self harm.." I murmur and he just shrugs.

"It's fine.. Something good came out of it at least." He pairs with a dry laugh.

"What do you mean?" I ask and immediately it hits me, "Oh. Devin?"

"Yeah.. He's so kind and caring. I just can't believe I didn't see how he felt before." He says, finally looking up at me and I can see how happy he truly is talking about Devin.

"That's great, Josh. I'm glad you're happy." I tell him, but truthfully? My heart hurts. My dumbass ruined any chance of being with Josh. All for what? To get back at him for being mean to me? Devin was right, yet again, I can handle more than Josh can. And yet I fired back with far more than he ever gave.

"Thank you, Chris. That truly means a lot." I feel tears welling up as he says this and so I quickly take another drag, closing my eyes as I try to push them away, "well hey, I'm gonna head back to bed. Finish up and get some rest yourself, I'm sure you need it." He then leans in and gives me a small hug that of which I return, burying my face in his messy hair as my tears start to fall. Luckily, when he pulls away he just walks inside without really look at my face.

"Stupid.." I mutter to myself as I slide down the bus and sit on the ground, finishing my cigarette and putting it out, flicking the butt away. I drop my head into my hands as I continue to cry, quiet sobs leaving my lips, "stupid. stupid. stupid."

Josh's POV

As I pass the window Chris and I had just been standing under, I hear noises outside. I pause to listen and realize it sounds sort of like muffled crying. Quietly, I move over to the window and peer out, looking down to see Chris sitting on the ground crying.

What the hell? Chris? Crying? In all the years I've been in this band I have never seen that man cry. Hell, in all the years I've known him, even before we start this band, I've only seen him cry once. And that was family related. Is he crying over me?? Surely not.. Right? Fuckfuck.. Should I go comfort him? Or would he get mad about the fact I've seen him so vulnerable..