{ Sensitive Content }
Ava Miller. A typical nerd? Not really. Shy, awkward and quiet? And a bad sense of fashion? Of course.
Ava has always been alone and quiet all her life, she's been picked on nearly all through high school. And she can't wait to...
Have you ever wondered what depression feels like? It feels like you have no energy inside you. You can't get out of bed, you cant even smile. And if you do it's a sad smile, it's fake and hiding the truth under a mask. It's when your eyes get full of tears and your throat tightens up making it harder to breathe. At night, you lie in your bed and do nothing but think, 'why am I here?' 'What am I doing wrong?' 'Is it all my fault?'.
Depression is like being in a dark room with no door and no escape, your alone and you know that no one can save you.
Depression is like drowning, you can see everything around you, even people but they aren't helping, they're just staring.
People think depression is all about being sad. They think your just 'feeling down'. Its not, its darkness that creeps in you little by little until it drains everything from you, leaving you hollow, empty and numb. What's even worse is that you can't do anything about it. Depression isn't sadness, it isn't anger, it's despair. Imagine you go outside and see no color, no wind. Eating something and tasting nothing. Holding someone and feeling no emotions.
When your depressed, its not a bad mood. It's loneliness, emptiness, hollowness that seems to never leave. It's feeling alone in a room full of people. It's a feeling that never leaves and you feel like there's no hope left.
But then there are times where I can feel everything. Reality comes crashing in and it's too much to take, so I break. And that's when I get the attacks. Depression is when you feel nothing. Anxiety is when you feel everything. And when you combine both, you make hell. And when you do it's when you begin to do what I do.
I give myself scars. No there not 'just scars'. They're the demons I fight at night and day. They're my insecurities, my deepest fears and my loneliness. They're the insults I have received and the emotions I can't contain. They're a part of me and who I have become. What they made me become.
I'm losing myself more and more every day and I can't do anything about it.
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4:30 am
I lie in my bed repeating the same fucking thing that happens every day. The same sleepless night. And then the cycle repeats over and over again.
I sigh continuing to stare at my bedroom ceiling, like I've been doing for the past 4 hours. Doing nothing, thinking nothing, feeling nothing, just waiting. Waiting for the day to start, I don't want it to but I have no choice. I don't want to see people. don't want to go outside. I don't know what I want.
7:00 am
I lift my blanket off my body and sit up ignoring the aching pain coming from my ribs. I close my eyes and breathe in and out trying to relief the pain.
I waited a couple of minutes before limping out of my room and to the bathroom.
I'm lucky enough to have the single mattress that I do. It's old and dirty, but I'm not complaining. It's better than nothing. Apart of the single item in my room, well you can't really call it a 'room' because it's just a bare attic. The walls are a silky pale color and the floor boards are cracked.
I showered quickly, trying to avoid any interactions with anyone. I didn't have the strength for anymore. Walking out of the shower, I brushed my teeth and threw on the only hoodie I had, which was 2 sizes too big and not in the best condition, but it's enough. I also wore a pair of ripped jeans.
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I crept back to my room and quickly rush to grab all my school books. After I finished i headed down stairs and went out the door as fast as possible.
My school was 10 minutes away from my house, so I always walk it. I don't really have a choice I would push my body against the pavement with my head down, staying out of anyone's way. When I saw the school gates I hid my myself into my hoodie more. When i used to see theses gates in the past, I would find myself fighting dread and fear, but now I feel nothing.
I made my way to my locker leaving my bag inside and getting the books I need for my classes. Instead of waiting for the bell to go, I just went straight to my classroom. It's not like I had any friends to catch up with. I went to the back of the class, sat in my seat and buried myself behind my books.
This is my life. I hope you enjoy the ride.
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The topics discussed in this story are sensitive, therefore if you are someone who is easily triggered, then I advise you to not read this book.
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I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! 🤗 Chapter two will be out soon. Thank you for reading~
