I'm just trying to get though life without going back to cutting or drinking, but it's so hard. I need someones support. This is also is about me bitchin' about life. This is also straight out my diary, so yeaah.😬
12/3/19: First of all how was everyone's turkey day. Hope it was good. I was was at my step grandparents , baka and deda house and ate there. I was with the people I love(sadly no Jamal) doing the thing I love... EATING. 😁. Today has been the best day ever. In class Jamal put his head on my shoulder and I fed him gummy bears. when we were levaeing class I asked him to walk with me to my mom's work. He didn't, but he walked me outside. the whole walk outside he held my hand. Once we got outside and we got to the corner he said goodbye , but intend of saying it (warning I lost control of my impulses)by kissing him. It was like the best thing ever. I kissed him on the cheek. I was like this after it.
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12/4/19: 4 more days until my birthday. I 'll be 15. I hope that kiss doesn't make things awkward between me and Jamal. I hoping for the best right now. Mom butt dialed him and we were talking about B3 aka booty butter balls. moms has the booty, I eat the butter , and mikey and dad got the balls. I'm just glad he didn't hear mom and dad saying he looks like Steve Urkel. He was on the phone for 8 minutes until he hung up.
12/5/19: I kissed him again on the cheek. I wanna do a make out kiss next. when I look at little kids I tell myself " I want. look, how cute". I just lied to a few girls cause I don't want people knowing that and Jamal are going out, not yet it too soon. I love him too deeply to let everyone at school know. I told them that I'm lesbian. I mean like it's a half truth. I'm bisexual. Right after school I marked my territory. Cheek and lips. He got that pink lips prints on him.I gave Jamal his first kiss. Mom tells me to take it slow. Oh I'll take it slow, slow sex😈. Ugh! Mom yelling at me for a few little stains on her sink. The hair dye came out so easily she could have done it herself. Just a few little stains and we have a screaming match. I hate living like this. I'm running away around the new year. Don't know where I'm going, but I'm going.
12/6/19: It turns out his name is Jamel. I feel dumb. I was joking about slow sex, me or Jamel are ready for sex. Right now all I want to do is cuddle and hold hands.
12/8/19: Mom and dad keep pissing me off. All night last night they play telafu*ks. I told them I scared of telafu*ks. They didn't understand. I was crying last night. Every time I walk past the living room telafu*ks are playing on mute. Mom and dad want me to stop saying "fricking". Do you think that gonna happen cause it's not. So far it's the worst birthday ever. All I want for my birthday is Jamel wrapped up in wrapping paper at my house, ready for me to unwrap.
12/9/19: The girl next to me smell like my bio dad...alcohol. It kinda makes me miss him. I wonder where Jamel goes we he leaves during class? I wonder what he drew for me.
12/10/19: I hurt my wrist and made my life 10x harder than it was. Jamel's drawing is so cute. It's me and I love it. Within the last 24 hours I've seen the emergency service so much. The first time was laeveing school, they took someone from school. I was temped to act professional and ask them what happened but they would say ¨Itś HIPPA we can't tell you¨ and yes I know what HIPPA is. I go to my moms work everyday after school and help her around the nursing home. mom is the director of billing, so I get to open up envelopes and file them. (how fun😑). Once and a while some of the other people bring their dogs there or Oscar the miserable cat. That cat hates everyone. He bit me a few times too. This is me every morning.
12/12/19: I'm worried about Jamel. He text said that he's in trouble.
12/14/19: Good he is okay , when I say okay I mean not good at all. You don't need to be psychic to know that. He showed me a number on a sticky note but I didn't know what it was till I looked it up, it was the Cuyahoga County suicide preservation line.
12/16/19: We might have to put Nancy to sleep😢. She's in a lot of pain. Cousin John thinks it's her nails or her skin tag. The thing is, he has mental delays and is 72 years old. We have too put her down she's crying and screaming in pain. I'm traumatized from hearing the sounds that came from her. 😭😭😭 They called us back now we're waiting for the vet. Doctor just walked in after 5 minutes. Oh gods, I shouldn't have come. The vet took her to put in a IV and her and Nancy came back. Nancy was eating cheese. Who don't like cheese? The vet had this pink liquid and shot into her IV and Nancy fell right over.😭😲😭😞😞😰😰😱 I told her right before she died to say hi to grandpa and Jason for me.😔😞😫😭 She's gone. I'm covered in a dead dogs fur😭. I don't think I gonna be able to sleep tonight.
