It starts as a constant shake in your knee. You're looking around the room. You hear footsteps outside. Is that a fly that just came through the door? Since when did your teacher have that poster on the wall? It's crooked. Both your knees begin to shake. You're frantically finding distractions around you. You notice your heartbeat has sped up. But, you stay calm, stay seated. He's lecturing to the class and you stay silent and nod as if you understand, as if you are listening. You're trying to listen but you can't hear him. All you can hear are the voices in your head. They won't shut up. They won't stop talking. They just keep reminding you and reminding you and reminding you of your problems. So many problems. You tell yourself you need to concentrate. School is important. There will be a test on this. But you have more going on in your life, people don't understand. Now you're picking your nails. Vigorously rubbing your thumb against the underside of your pinky. Can people around you tell that you're not paying attention? No. You're good at hiding it. Just stay seated and stay quiet. The bell rings and you can't wait to go home. You're good at pretending to be fine. You get in your car and turn on music. You feel better. The music distracts the voices and quiets them for a bit. A few deep breaths. You're ok. You're ok. You tell yourself you're ok. The front door is relief. You made it home safe and you're ok.
I wish that was it. But unfortunately there's more. An anxiety attack is a build up and this is only the beginning.
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Anxiety Attack: A Stream of Consciousness
RandomI found this piece in my journal after I went through my first real anxiety attack nearly 3 years ago. A lot of this won't make sense to the average person, but it is an exact representation of the thoughts going through my head at the time. Let me...
