Anxiety Attack: A Stream of Consciousness

the escape

Wipe your tears away. Take a breath. Act normal. You just need to go somewhere to think. Without distractions. You can do it. Look at yourself in the mirror. Stare yourself down. Put your hair in a bun. Walk out of your room. Say "hi" to your sister. Then say "bye." And leave. Get in your car and drive. Turn on music. Music distracts your thoughts. Breathe. Stop sign means stop. Stop. Go. Lights. Cars. Keep driving. Go. The beach? Yeah. There. You can think. Music. You're ok. Drive. Are you speeding? Don't get pulled over. You can't get pulled over right now. Just don't get pulled over. Make it to the beach and you're fine. Keep driving. Eyes on the road. You made it to the parking lot. Which side do you go to? The one with less cars. There are signs. What do they say? Does that mean they close at sunset? They close at sunset? It's past sunset. When is the sunset cut off? There are a few other cars there. You will be fine. It will be fine. Drive. Find a spot to park, away from other cars. In the way corner. Pick one spot. Go around again. Pick one spot. One more time. Find a spot. Pull in. Park. Turn lights off. Turn car off. Unbuckle seatbelt. Can I park here? What if someone comes? Stop overthinking. You're fine. You need to lay down. How do you lean this chair back? You're going to lean your chair back. Is it this button? No, this lever. Ok now you just need to think. Calm down. Think things through. Then everything will be ok. You can't think. The buzz on your phone. The overpowering music. More texts coming in. Stop distracting yourself. Turn music off. Turn phone off. Lay back.

Silence. Look around. Breathe. Think. The shadows of the trees. You're at a beach. Look at those lights. Lights. Cars. Cars are coming. Towards you. No, that's just the freeway. Relax. Nobody's there. Have cars left since you got there? What if you are the only car left? What if you can't get out because it's past sunset. Did they close the gate? Block off entry? How would you get out? No no no. You can't stay here anymore. You need to leave before you're trapped.