Flashback (Calvin Harris)

Finally believe in you

14.05.2016
Los Angeles, California

The sun is already setting when I pull into the driveway of the mansion Dillon and Wes have rented for their party tonight. It looks as massive as you would it expect from a "Diplon" party – they never disappoint. I've only been to two of their parties so far since I first got to know them at one of their B2B's in summer 2015. The wall of the building is shining brightly and seems to be covered in fairy lights. There are already several cars standing in the driveway but I'm lucky to spot an empty space at the end. When I get out of my car I hear the music immediately and it's obvious that the party's already going strong. There's a sign at the frontdoor: „PARTY in the backyard!", so I follow the signs towards the music and finally arrive at the garden which is crowded with people. I spot a DJ desk on the other side of the lot and my heart jumps when I recognise who's playing there right now. Calvin Harris...It's been almost two years since we last met and it did end in the worst misunderstanding in history. At least from my view. I think we both were feeling the same way about each other back then but two years passed. Everything has changed and I'm sure that he A hates me or B forgot about me. The latter is more likely since he's had two girlfriends since then and most importantly is currently dating Taylor Swift. Well...I couldn't ever really let go of him. His name might be my most frequent Google search entry. Will he remember my face? Will he remember what he thinks I did? Will he- „Heeeey!" My thoughts get interrupeted by Dillon who pulls me straight into a firm hug. We chat for a few minutes until he tells me that he has to take over the music control now and heads over to the DJ desk. I decide to get inside to find a drink and new people to talk to as soon as possible. Adam will most likely be going around here now and I really don't want to run right into him. Or do I? There's a gigantic buffet inside and the variety of alcoholic drinks is breathtaking. The only thing missing is...water actually. I spot Wes standing at the backdoor who's having an animated chat with a brunette. So I head over and get his attention by tapping him on the shoulder. "Hey, sorry to interrupt your conversation but where do you guys keep the water?" Wes looks at me in amusement. „Over there's the kitchen. You can find a sink there – alternative there's a bathroom around the corner." He laughs and the dumb brunette joins right in. Of course. I mean I just asked for water on a party where everyone's biggest goal is most likely to get as drunk as possible..."Just kidding. I think there are a couple of crates in the poolhouse!" He points at the small house next to the pool which is located a bit aside of the DJ desk where most people are standing. "Thanks!" Before Wes has a chance to add any more ridiculous comments I walk away from them on my way to the poolhouse. The pool is still completely empty – obviously nobody is drunk enough yet. I get inside the poolhouse and thankfully find three crates of water inside. Not to mention accompanied by several bottles of Tequila, beer and vodka in the weirdest flavours tough. I even spot chocolate vodka. I pick up the bottle to look at it closely when I hear someone entering the room behind me. When I turn around to face that someone it feels like my heart stops beating all at once. It's Adam. He's standing there in front of me as fucking tall and handsome as the last time we met. Two years...I never fully got him off my mind...In addition he's holding a water bottle this time what reminds me of the fact that I'm still holding the vodka bottle. "Uhm...hi..." I stutter and only now he seems to fully notice that he isn't alone. „Heeeeey!" He says and then turns around again to leave. It's obvious he didn't recognise me in the dark. For some reason I get really confident for a moment and sprint out of the poolhouse to catch him. "Adam, wait!" He stops and faces me again. "What the hell" I hear him speak under his breath. "Do you...I mean...it's been...I want you to know that I've been trying to-" I stutter but he interrups me. "Trying to track me down again? Doing all this again? No thank you!" He starts to walk away again but I grab his shoulder to stop him. "There are many things I didn't get to tell you." He stops again and sighs in frustration. "I don't want to hear ANYTHING from you okay?" I don't know where to begin actually but I somehow figure out a way to start. "Most importantly: It wasn't me okay? I didn't pass any private information to the editors and I did not write the article." He turns around and something in his eyes has changed now. He looks...hopeful? Sad? Or just confused? "I wish I could believe you but I guess I learned my lesson." He now looks at the vodka bottle in my hands. "Me too! I mean...I don't drink anymore for example. There was a colleague of mine sitting next to us at the bar. I didn't notice at the time because I was too drunk and also too focused on our conversation but when I read the article a couple of days later there suddenly was a clear memory on my mind. He's the author of the article by the way. Never expected him to be that kind of a person but he clearly seems to see no borders between privacy and a good story. I swear. It's all so fucked up...I've tried to contact you in every way ever since then but well...you get many Instagram direct messages per day I guess?" I blurt out the things that I've wanted to tell him since two years and it's the most relieving thing to do. "You don't drink anymore?" He looks at me, slightly amused. "Yes. I stopped two years ago. The last time I was drunk was with you at the bar." "Then why for fucks sake do I meet you again with a vodka bottle in your hand?" "I was just looking at it because it's chocolate flavoured – Wes sent me to the poolhouse so I could grab water!" He shakes his head in frustration and goes on. "I liked you. I really did. It's just...Shite...I don't even know. Even if I'd believe you now...it's not meant to be! You know?"  I feel my heart beating faster and it feels like it's going to explode. "No...I mean maybe" I hear him reply to himself more than me. "Mark would kill me if he knew we're having this conversation. He saw it all coming back then..." and am just about to find the right words to keep him from walking away when he already turns around without paying notice to my stuttering.  "I hope you're happy now, Adam..." I whisper as I watch him go. The feeling in my chest gets more painful the more I realised that my only hope just died. Hot tears are already rolling down my cheeks. I walk over to the pool, take off my shoes and sit down to let my feet plunge into the water. "Fuck it!" I say to myself and open the vodka bottle. It will not stay my only drink that night...

It's past 4AM and the amount of people at the party has already decreased. I'm in the living room talking to Vinnie and Kyle of the duo PHANTOMS. I haven't met them before and only knew them from Dillon's spectacular Snapchat stories but they're actually really nice. We're just about to get us a new drink when Wes enters the room, holding up an emptied beer bottle. "What about a few rounds of spin the bottle?" Since most people in the room are drunk there quickly forms a group around Wes who are all down to play. The three of us join the group too and to my surprise I spot Adam joining as well – which is weird since I can tell that he's still sober and I bet it's absolutely not his type to play games like this. That fact makes me realise that it's not my type of thing either but it's the alcohol I suppose. And here we go again...the second time I got drunk because of this guy...I feel a glance on me but when I look up Adam's looking down. By shaking my head I try to shake off the feeling of being watched by him and decide to focus on the game. We must be around 15 people now sitting down in am irregular circle. There's a short discussion about what version of the game we're going to play but we finally agree on Truth or Dare spin the bottle. Sounds fun to me...everything would've sounded fun to me in my current state of mind though. "Okay, I'll begin!" Wes announces finally. "I dare you to make out with me for at least 3 minutes." He says and spins the bottle. It stops in front of a giggling brunette I haven't seen around before. She now giggles even more and crawls over to Wes at once. They start kissing and someone seriously starts a timer to check if they stick to the rules. It's kind of gross to watch them honestly but I don't even mind. I keep on laughing for some reason. Until I notice Adam glance on me again. I know what he must be thinking..."Of course – you don't drink anymore..." Wes and the brunette finally end their extended making out session and she gets back in her position to announce the next task. "I dare you to take off your shirt and keep it off for the rest of the game." She spins the bottle forcefully and it spins crazily for quite an unusal time until it comes to a stop in front of...Adam. Dang! "I hate this game." He groans but still follows to rules and takes off his shirt. "Wow" is the first thing that comes to my mind and I can't keep myself from staring at him. He truly has that underwear model body...Our eyes meet and I quickly look away. The following rounds pass by more or less eventful. Dillon gets to flirt with Gerald...two blondes make out for 5 minutes...Wes gets chosen to jump into the pool with his clothes on...Kyle has to tell his best drunk story...A dark haired girl has to try a handstand (and fails). She lies on the floor laughing now and then crawls back to the circle – she's obviously too drunk to get to her feet again. Still laughing and half-lying she announces the next task. "It's time for a classic! I dare the next two people to kiss." She spins the bottle proportionally weakly and it only spins roughly 4 times before it stops – in front of Adam again. A feeling of jealousy arises in my stomage – I really don't want him to kiss anybody. Also isn't he taken? It doesn't seem to bother him as much because he spins the bottle again. I totally forgot that I was even playing until the bottle stops in front of me. I stare at it in disbelief and Vinnie has to nudge me twice before I come to live again and awkwardly crawl over to Adam somehow. "Is this...okay for you? I mean..." I realise that the sound of my voice leaves no doubt that I'm drunk. "That's the game." He shrugs and then our lips meet. It's like everything around me loses relevance all at once - Until there's a bright flash and the clicking of a camera. "Haha, captured in a Polaroid!" I hear someone say and when I see Adam's surprised face in front of me I come to life again. What the hell have I just done? He has a girlfriend. This picture can destroy everything for him..."Sorry" I whisper and then jump up and run away. At least that's what I try to...Well I fail. The last thing I see is the ground coming closer and closer and then everything went black. The next time I open my eyes I'm moving. I find myself on the rear bench seat of a car. My head is killing me and wave of nausea creeps over me. A whimper of mine makes the driver of the car turn around. There I am again...staring into Adam's beautiful eyes... "Where are we going?" I whisper. "I'm taking you to my place for the night. You're not in the condition to drive I assumed." He says and I try my best to build a reply but the urge to throw up gets heavier. "Don't worry. You'll be fine!" is the last thing I remember hearing him say.

"He took me home that night. All I remembered the morning after was the kiss and I felt awful that I've let it happen." I read the last two sentences out loud.