DRIVE! (hiatus)

rise or fall

5.

Cold is hanging in the air, Hanbin been clutching the bed sheet really hard made his knuckle goes white. Series of nightmares still haunting him, he has nothing and no one but himself right now, even when he turned his cellphone, he has nothing in it. No datas at all, no photos, no contacts, nothing.

Ben really is getting rid of him.

Hanbin sat up while catching his breath, he's staring at the wound on his right knuckle, the one he use to jabbed the solid wall to release his rage. He hasn't shave, he didn't get to eat anything properly, just stuffing himself with something called kimbap that sold in front of the convenience store. The small kimbap stall open in the morning but always close during the lunch time and Hanbin wonder why since it's the best time to sell food, it cost 2,000 won in the morning and the lady will discount it to 1,000 won in the evening, and Hanbin always bought it in the evening. Then he'll cut it into two and eat it for dinner, and breakfast. If it's not ruin.

Hanbin turned his head to the crumpled letter from Benjamin on his floor, he took it and read the last part,

I'm sorry that the only thing I never taught you is how to live poorly.

Hanbin looking at the small full of stain mirror near his bed, a man with a shadow under his eyes, not because he's determined but because of lack of sleep, tired, sick, is looking back at him. Pathetic. He hates his own reflection. He never really loved it though, even when his fans, friends, lover, keep on telling him he was beautiful, he never adored his face. But today he looked exceptionally pathetic.

"Fuck you, Ben, fuck fucking you!!" he grunts.

Good thing he's not into alcohol, thanks to his well trained body which involuntarily rejecting such thing—except for some blunts he tried with June on their break time. But now he's running out of money...

He walked towards the convenience store, went to the grooming section and took a small cheap razor.

"Anything else?" the guy behind the counter asked.

Hanbin shook his head.

That guy seems to scanning him briefly, Hanbin knew he's been murmuring some suspiciousness with the Kimbap lady, he overheard it one afternoon. He said Hanbin doesn't look like homeless, he's more like a student who hasn't showered in a week. he also said Hanbin is very good looking, maybe he was a trainee (trainee for what Hanbin didn't know), maybe he's stress because he failed to be an idol.

"I need job." Hanbin said in korean.

The guy paused, his eyes looked frightened as if Hanbin's gonna rob him, "I—I'm not the manager of the store... I—"

"Where can I apply? What's the requirements?" he failed saying it in full korean.

"I don't know..." the guy replied in english, bad one, "You can't speak korean... I can't help with job."

Of course, he thinks looking for a job is easy? of course no. Hanbin put some money on the counter, "thanks."

He slammed his room door and went straight to the bathroom, he hold the razor tightly, looking at the lustrous sharp edge.

All his gaudy life flashing on his head, all the parties, the luxury, the people who screamed his name, the bestfriend who turn into brother, the girlfriend he thought will love him forever...

Was I too arrogant? Was I too overbearing? Was I  a threat?

he's been tempted to end his life several times in the past weeks. Hanbin staring at the razor again. Maybe today...