Lost Heart √

Twenty Four

"She killed herself," I repeated Caden's words.

He visibly tensed but didn't really take back those words. 

"But why?" I asked.

"Why does anyone ever die where I'm involved, Sky?"

"You didn't kill her."

Caden didn't say anything to that, and he didn't really have to. I watched as he picked up the envelope again from the coffee table, dark brows pulled together as he frowned at it.

"Caden." I hesitated. "What really happened?"

He glanced up at me and I knew that he understood what I really meant. A part of me urged me to just let it go, all of this. But the other, bigger part of me needed to know what exactly had happened with that girl. With Ana.

He shook his head and looked away. "Ana was mad at me."

"Why?" My voice came out as a soft whisper.

"Because." He frowned, then it vanished, and I watched the movement of his throat as he swallowed. "Because I was too busy looking for my mother back then. During the short time that we dated, I was always either searching for my mom or going after my dad and it was always...just my own messes. I couldn't give her any more than that."

I slid my hand atop his and over the envelope he seemed to be gripping now. Almost instantly, he let go of it and laced our fingers together.

"It was a bad time for me, Sky. And I'm not saying it as an excuse. Fuck, I am aware that Ana would be alive if it weren't for me, but I couldn't." He shook his head again. "It was rough and I couldn't get myself out of it. Dad always ever had one enemy or another coming after him. I couldn't get out of that bloody house without his permission. There wasn't anything...safe. The only safe thing I could think of was my mom. But she'd left so long ago, I didn't think I could ever find her."

I inhaled slowly. "So, did you? Find your mother, I mean?"

He glanced away from me. "No. She didn't want to be found."

I stared at him until I had to look away, something shifting inside me when I just couldn't stand hearing the immensely concealed sadness in his voice. He'd only ever wanted his mum around. He'd been a kid and she'd left without even a goodbye. Didn't she ever wish she could see him just one more time?

"When the fire happened, when Kevin killed my dad and my stepmother, Blake...I think he was furious when he found out that Rena had been inside the house as well." He said, almost as an afterthought. "That shouldn't have happened and it wasn't the plan. He was mad and furious at me. So he took it out on the only few people I was left with."

"Ana?" I asked.

He gave an almost sad, nonchalant half-shrug. "Yeah. I think he was trying to brainwash her against me or something. I should've seen it coming and I probably should've cared."

I was shaking my head way before he could've finished that sentence. "Caden--"

"The only thing that kept me going was revenge, Sky." He cut me off, eyes snapping up to mine. Something--something so bitter--in the green of his eyes made me shut up. "I didn't hear her out. I didn't listen to her when she needed me. I fucked up. We argued and Ana wanted me to let go of it all and move on and I couldn't. I wanted revenge and that was it."

A short beat of silence went by.

"And then she killed herself," he said.

"Didn't Blake ever think that it was his father and not you who messed everything up?"