I started to be myself for real when I entered high school. I dyed my hair in every color, I got tattoos and piercings as I always wanted, I finally found my way. I stopped hurting myself, I thought I was finally happy and clean for good. I had the chance of keeping all my real friends for years, they were always here for me, they made me the happiest person on this planet.
Then I met this girl. When I first saw her I had no idea that she was gonna change my life. We met online, I've never had long distance relationship before, because she lived in a different country. We met in summer 2018. I didn't know what to expect. I was waiting for her on a chair, I was changing my mind, I regretted going to this place, I didn't want to see her. I tried to hide, but I saw her, she saw me, we saw each other. That was the most awkward moment of my life. I didn't know how to act or what to say. We stayed together for 10 minutes, and when she left I realized that I was falling in love with her. The end of that day was one of the hardest of my life. She did what I thought she would never do. I almost lost her the day I met her. From that day I knew that it was only the beginning of a long, hard, way to madness.
A month after that I stoped eating, from a day to another. I suddenly decided that I was fat.I weighted 48kg, and I thought that it was too much. At first it was easy, I was at my dads, there was no food there. I spent my whole days in my room, I fell asleep at 5am to wake up at 3pm. I never left my bed. My stomach started shrinking. I ate a tiny Madeleine each day. I started weighting all the time; when I woke up, before and after I ate something if I did, before and after going in the shower and before going to bed. Every time I saw the numbers going down I felt proud of myself. I walked a lot, I even went to the gym. Sometimes, when I wanted to eat something I would just chew it without swallowing so I could only have the taste of it, because I was not even capable of eating anything without having nausea. My only goal was to lose weight, I wanted to be liked, I wanted to feel pretty.
I went to Brazil with my dad and my brother during summer. At first I ate well because I didn't want them to know what was going on with me. I stayed three weeks, and I was drinking every night until I threw up because of how much alcohol I had in my body. From that moment I stoped eating for good, I said that it was because of the hangover, and they didn't ask any question, I think they didn't notice anything until I tried to talk about it after a huge fight we had. I didn't want them to be worried, or I guess I didn't want them to stop me. Nothing could've stopped me.
In September, when I got back home my mom took me to the doctor to see what I had, and I got diagnosed with anorexia. When I heard my doctor saying the word "anorexia" I felt so proud of myself, the weirdest thing was that I only wanted her to say it. I wanted to hear it. The voice in my head wanted to hear it.
I got back to school in September, new class, new people. I didn't know anybody, but I made friends pretty easily. I chose art as an option. I was happy, I wanted to be good at drawing to become a tattooist, but on the second art class I had a really bad panic attack because I realized that I would never be as good as my classmates. When I got home I collapsed. I fell on the floor and started crying. I cut my arm again. I grabbed a pill box and I swallowed everything I could find, but I didn't have a lot, I knew it couldn't do anything bad for my body, even tho I wanted to end everything for real. For the first time of my life, I felt how it was to be exhausted, to feel like I was drowning and I didn't want to fight anymore. I've been fighting for years, it was enough, it was too much for me. My mom got in my room and found me on the floor. I didn't have any energy, I cried my eyes out and the medicines made me loose any kind of strength. I didn't want her to know about what I did, but I still had to say it.
I went to the doctor to talk about it. When my mom told her that I attempted to kill myself she laughed. She only made me see a psychologist. I saw her every week. I had to go to the psychiatric hospital to weight me every week. I skipped most of my meals. My mom knew what I was doing, she knew that I would refuse to eat even if she forces me to, so she stopped saying anything when I wasn't coming for dinner. I smoked a lot, because I heard that smoking burns calories. I was always taking cold showers because cold burns calories. I went out for hours to walk at night. I once tried to count the calories I ate, I decided that 300 per day would be way enough, but it didn't last. I just stopped eating as much as I could. At first I wanted to lose 1kg, then 2, then 3, until I lost almost 10kg. I stopped having my periods, I was losing my hair, I was cold in summer, I fainted all the time. But I still thought I was fat.
