im not sure if this will reach anyone. i just don't want to feel alone anymore.
Looking in the mirror was pretty much asking to have a shitty day. knowing you're trans but having so much anxiety that you just don't come out for a while. internal transphobia that makes you question your every move, that makes you pick yourself apart a hundred times more than they ever could. i told a handful of friends. and cringed everytime they said my name because i was scared of getting outed. and i did a couple times. small town struggles. id watch younger people go through gender crisis themselves, get haircuts and change their names. and i did envy the trans people who get respect without passing. i was upset. i was 15. wishing i was on hormones so id hopefully transition pretty naturally. get more body hair and a deeper voice like everyone else. be able to sit with the guys and not feel like they were picking on me. be able to just exist and not think every single day about being trans.
hell. even now. four years later, finally got a haircut. it's growing out too much for my comfort. i finally felt gender euphoria again. i felt seen. comfortable. confident. until i kept getting misgendered. even at home. no it's an endless battle of why don't you hate yourself enough, you must be faking and why do i have to hate myself so much all the time. it's why am i comfortable with this body part but not being seen and perceived as a male. it's a damn tornado ripping through everything.
dating was rough. not passing yet. still being really immature and insecure. being set on the fact that i knew who i was. somehow not noticing for a few years that im actually gay, not bisexual. i just didn't want to accept that im very gay. my family just doesn't get it. a few of them respect the name change and the pronouns. others don't even bother. so what's the use being around them.
it's lonely in here. this mind. this body. i long to have friends. i long for a connection that lasts. i long to be heard and felt. to be understood without explaining myself a shit ton. is anyone out there?
