Letters to Guadalupe

Letter 3: My Venom

My dearest Mother,

Yes, you are here. I am under your shadow and protection. You are the source of my joy. You have been such a big support in my spiritual development and intercessor of my prayers. What would I have done without you? Your prayers throughout the years have freed me from the chains of my worst enemies: depression and anxiety. My mental illnesses have not defined me, but how I've fought and overcame them does. Do you remember the many battles that I went through? Do you remember the wins, losses, and lessons I experienced?

For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why I was depressed. When you have enough nervous breakdowns to require medication and therapy, I often wondered why was I experiencing this. What was the cause? How many times did I come to you in prayer, asking you the same question, asking you to present my petition to the Lord that He may reveal the answer to me. And then, many years later the answer would come to me like a shot in the dark. Those selected childhood memories I had of feeling uncomfortable and ill when I was sexually abused would be the source of my depression. I felt so guilty when these events happened to me that I chose to hide them to the point of almost forgetting about it altogether. I felt a filth that wouldn't easily wash off, nor did I want anyone to help me to wash it off, fearing the reaction of others. Why would a friendly game make me feel so sad and guilty afterwards? What a mess for anyone that has gone through such an event.

My memories would come back to me after a series of failed attempts to love and be loved by the persons I thought were reserved for me in marriage. How many times did I go after someone that I could never have, nor treated me with the same level of respect as I gave them? How many times did I do the same to others? My heart would be broken each and every time. I would break the hearts of others each and every time. What a sad and depressing cycle to endlessly go through. And when I wanted to stop this all together and go a be a hermit, I would never last more than a month before I found myself falling into the same trap as before.

Remember, Mother, how I tried to fix and numb my pain without you? Remember how I thought I knew best, while at the same time being scared to death to face my problems head on? What a wreck I was whenever my heart was broken by someone. I would take it so hard that I would use other means to handle the pain. Pornography, cutting, and other methods of self harm were my drugs of choice. During this time I felt so much out of control that the only control I felt I truly had was hurting myself physically and emotionally. How sad you must of been seeing me like this. But remember how I never gave up? I continually came to the Lord in prayer, asking Him for mercy and forgiveness, asking Him for deliverance.

At the same time, it seemed that my anxiety was getting the best of me. Always nervous and anxious about anything and everything. My mind always racing with so many thoughts. It seemed to be an endless cycle. Again, your prayers would lead me to the source of this struggle. Who knew that my traumatic experience on a dirt bike would create so many problems for me. Why I never said anything I don't know why. I shouldn't have been taken on the motocross track without a helmet and riding on the gas tank of the dirt bike. I never should have been taken off those jumps and it should had stopped when I screamed for it to be done with.

All those times freezing up and going into panic mode whenever I had to do something new or under pressure. All those times I failed to perform my best in music, sports, and school because I got so nervous to the point of feeling paralyzed and frozen with fear. Do you remember how long I struggled with this? How many opportunities I missed out on because of my anxiety? For the longest time I felt frustrated with myself. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't break this fear and panic I felt in these situations.

To help cope with these anxieties I turned to smoking. However unhealthy this habit was for me, it created an escape for me much like my methods of self harm. Thank God, I never got completely addicted to smoking, nor was ever attracted to alcohol. During this process I truly understood the serious impact these addictive unhealthy habits truly can be for a person. No wonder so many people fall into the trap of drugs, sex, and alcohol. It's so easy to become addicted that once you realize you're in the heart of the beast, it seems almost too late to turn back.

All this would end and slowly get better with sure will and determination. In combination with these and your aid, I was finally able to covercome these obstacles in my life. How freeing it felt to no longer feel contained and restricted by anxiety. Being wrapped in your mantle allowed me to heal and grow in holiness. Overtime, I would rise above my enemies of depression and anxiety. I would defeat my unhealthy coping methods and ways of thought. Why should I let anything disturb me ever again? You are here with me and always have been.