Letters to Guadalupe

Letter 5: My Disabilities

My dearest Mother,

Is it normal for me to want to be perfect, to have no suffering, and never have weaknesses? Is this human nature? Or is this simply pride? Or is human nature prideful? Whatever the answer, you know the depth of my heart when it comes to my weaknesses and disabilities. I could have chosen to excessively focus on my inabilities and imperfections, using them as a barrier and reason to not try in life. I could have fallen in despair and constantly complain about my problems on social media. I could have even used my insecurities as reason enough to end my life. But, I chose not to do any of these. I chose to take action and fight the good fight. I chose to work hard to improve myself and fix my problems. Ultimately, I chose you, my Mother to be my beacon of light, showing me the way to Your Son, Jesus.

Personally, I strongly dislike having weaknesses. I dislike having health issues. I wish my body maintained its youthfulness and strength. I wish my genetics were unbreakable. Alas, that will never be the case for me, nor any human being. We begin our lives as fragile and helpless beings, and we leave this earth more or less in the same state. This is the way life goes, but it's not the way life ends. I must remember that life continues after death in heaven. It is there that our soul goes on to live eternally. If it weren't for that, I don't know how life on earth could be tolerable under the worst conditions.

I want to write to you to speak about my thoughts on suffering and disabilities. As I grow older I see more and more how fragile and temporary our lives are. Human life is a gift, and as such should be treated with dignity and respect like that of the greatest prized possessions. We only get one and each of us have gifts, disabilities, and sufferings that we carry with us throughout our lives. All of which can be used and offered up for the greater glory of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Do you remember as a child how I didn't have many health issues or complications? I was fairly healthy in all areas. It wasn't until my early twenties that my health would have a few setbacks. How shocked and vulnerable I felt when I discovered (and admitted) I had clinical anxiety and depression. It would explain why I had so much trouble the first and second years of college, keeping everything straight and having control over my emotions. How many sleepless nights did I have? How many nightmares of me failing others and being rejected did I have? What a real mess it was to rebuild myself anew. If it wasn't depression that was holding me back, it was anxiety. The two seemed to work together to being me down. Thank God for his divine intervention. Thank God for you, my Mother. For your prayers and your presence by my side. I don't know where I would be if not for the saving grace of Your Son, Jesus.

Alas, I wasn't out of the woods just yet. Just when it seemed that I was finally in control of those two "disabilities", I'm hit by another, my nemesis of addiction. So many times after a stressful day, or a day full of disappointment, I would feel the temptation to rely on things to bring me happiness and joy. For whatever reason, the grace of God didn't seem to satisfy me no matter how I tried. Maybe it was pride that blocked my path to you and your Son? Maybe it was fear? Whatever the reason, I remember turning to other avenues to quench my thirst of comfort. First it was pornography, then smoking, both of which were difficult for me to let go once I realized the damage it was taking on my mental and physical health.

After those, I remember seeking ways to distract my suffering with methods of self-harm. Whether it be through physical cutting, scratching, and burning, or the emotional abuse of one sided relationships, I found the hurt and pain comforting in that it drew me away from my real life problems. How messed up is this psychology, my dear Mother? I had plenty of conversations with you about this, you remember? Again, I worked so very hard to stay away from these addictive habits once I discovered the damage it was doing to me.

Most recently, Mother, do you remember me speaking about how I found myself placing so much emphasis on the possession of things and money? What a sickness greed truly is. How could someone be genuinely happy living an avaricious lifestyle? It's a never ending cycle. You will always be searching for things to have and ways to make money. The sickness makes you believe you always need more. Sadly, there is never a stopping point. Greed will never let you know when enough is enough. Your insecurities and desire for power will forever be longing to attain more and more wealth to support the abyss of satisfaction.

So many problems, and so many challenges that I've had to face. It's been exhausting to say the least. And even today, my current disabilities and struggles at times still hinder me in staying on the straight path to heaven. My sleep apnea has been a real weight on me. I hate the fact that I have to rely on a machine to help me breathe while I sleep. No longer can I just lay down somewhere and take a simple nap. No longer can I sleep soundly in the car, on a train, or aboard an airplane. Nor can I go camping wherever I want or go to places without electricity. Thank God for the machine I have that allows me to breathe and get a good night's sleep. At the time though, I wish I never had this disability in the first place.

The same goes for my eyesight and vision. I should be thankful that I can still see, even if it's blurry. However, again, I'm just bothered by the fact that I have to rely on eye glasses or contacts to see clearly. I know I can get surgery to correct my vision, but just the fact that I would have to go through the process bothers me. At times, I feel jealous for those that can see without glasses, or sleep without a CPAP machine. I know I need to be grateful and thankful that I don't have more severe problems, but I guess I just don't like being limited.

It is here that you, Mary, step in and remind me in prayer that reliance is not a bad thing. Child-like reliance is what makes us saints. It is this reliance that brings us ever closer to Our Lord and Savior. It is not we who save ourselves, but He Himself that saves us. The more we rely on His power and grace, the more we overcome our weaknesses, our difficulties, and our disabilities. It is not God that places these burdens upon us, but the sin in the world. That is why we look forward to our eventual home in heaven, where sickness, pain, and suffering cease to exist.

As I look back upon all these weaknesses I've overcome, and disabilities I currently have, you remind me dear Mother that I can offer these sufferings for myself and others. Just how you shared the pain of your Son on the cross, and Christ Himself shared the pain of our sins, we too can share in this process of redemptive suffering. I can offer my pains for the well-being of another. I can offer my pains for the conversion of souls. I can offer my pain for pure love of God.

This concept of redemptive suffering has led me to become in the smallest of ways a victim soul. My compassion for others and sensitivity to their troubles and sufferings has led me to have a great desire to pray for the souls of my family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers a like. I feel their pain, suffering, loneliness, and guilt as if they were my own. I share in their struggles whether they know it or not. I understand the movements of their inner being. I desire that they increase their love of Christ Jesus and their devotion to You, my Mother. I offer these feelings I hold on their behalf, whether it be in union with their prayers, or alone as their sole advocate. This small piece of this great puzzle has shown me a glimpse of the amount of love you and your Son have for us, your children.