sorry for the tears

After an excruciating hour of operation, the whole team was able to let out a sigh of relief as the sound of Ralph's heart beat on the monitors stayed steady. The Elongated Man was still unconscious, but stabilized. Thanks to Caitlin and her quick thinking.

Barry watched the doctor as she took a shaky breath before stepping back from the cot, her eyes closing momentarily, probably the weight of the situation finally dawning on her. She was always a doctor first in these situations, pushing aside her feelings and worries, to keep the person - usually him - alive. It was a fascinating sight to witness, her eyes so focused and zeroed in, and her hands moving with practiced precision. But once it was all over, she'd realize just who she was operating on and how close it could've been to losing them. He hated how he was happy that it wasn't him this time to cause her that anguish.

Thinking no one was watching her, she continued to back up and away until she was able to exit the room silently and undisturbed. But Barry was watching.

He followed her down the circular hall, but stopped when he saw that she was heading to the elevator. "Cait, where are you going?"

Her eyes snapped over to his, startled by his sudden presence. "I - um...I have to go."

His eyebrows furrowed. "Go? Go where? Ralph may still need your help."

"Frost will be back soon enough and she'll watch over him," she let out dismissively, turning back to the elevator, hitting the button to go down.

Barry took quick strides over to her, blocking her path just as the elevator doors opened, preventing her from entering. "No offense to Frost, if she's listening," he said, his eyes drilling into hers as if trying to see Frost through Caitlin's brown orbs, "but we need Caitlin - I need Caitlin right now."

Her eyes went upward as she swallowed. A hollow laugh trebled from her lips. "You don't need me. I'm practically useless right now."

"You just saved Ralph's life!"

"But I can't save yours!" she distressingly hollered back, eyes shimmering and her lip quivering.

Barry's eyes softened, his heart breaking from the agony that was plain as day on the doctor's face. "Cait..." he started, taking a slow step closer to her, "you have saved my life so many times, and in some ways you probably don't even realize...so please, don't beat yourself up over this."

A single tear fell from her eyes, but she was quick to wipe it away. She always tried to stay so strong; he could practically see her building up those walls - the same ones he's helped dismantle time after time. He only regretted not doing it enough.

He doesn't say anything - there really aren't words to say, because nothing will change his fate or magically make his dying any easier on her or him - so he did the next best thing he could think to do. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her smaller frame, bringing her front against his, tucking her head under his chin.

She was tense for a second, but soon her body melted against his before he felt her shake as she finally let herself fully cry, those walls of hers crumbling and dissolving as her tears began to seep into his shirt. But he didn't care. He just held onto her a little tighter and in turn she clutched at him desperately, like he was going to disappear before her eyes any second.

He rested his head down on her hair, taking in her usual caramel-vanilla scent that he had grown accustomed to and drew comfort from after all of these years. He swallowed down the emotion bubbling up his throat, wanting to just to enjoy this moment with one of his best friends - his personal physician, his rock. But just holding her made him want to never let go. And whether there was an afterlife - in the speedforce or in heaven - it would still feel like hell because he wouldn't be able to see her beautiful, graceful smile or hear her ramble on about some medical breakthrough or laugh at one of Cisco's jokes.

Tears welled up in his eyes, silently escaping as he thought of all he would miss. But above all, he just hoped that his sacrifice will eventually provide her the happiness she deserved. That's all he had ever wanted for her, especially after all the pain and suffering he seemed to specifically cause for her - from the loss of Ronnie, Professor Stein, her dad and others to all the times she had been kidnapped and the tremulous journey it has been from acquiring her powers because of Flashpoint.

"I'm sorry for the tears," she eventually croaked, stepping back with a forced laugh, wiping at her eyes again, trying to tame the mascara that had run down her face from her tears. Despite it all, she was still so beautiful, and his heart panged knowing that his vanishing would just be another thing to cause her anguish.

He shook his head, reaching up to cup her face, his thumbs swiping over her cheeks to clear up the remaining tears and mascara streaks for her. "You don't have to be sorry about anything," he told her, his own voice wobbly. "I'm sorry for causing you so many tears."

Her eyebrows furrowed, shaking her head. "Barry..." She then opened her mouth, as if to say something else, but instead she bit down on her lip to stop it from trembling again as she pulled away, making his hands drop back to his side. "I - I really have to go," she stuttered out. "Frost wants to change," she uttered, though he knew it was merely an excuse as she maneuvered around him to press the button for the elevator again.

The doors opened almost immediately and she stepped inside, her wide, glassy eyes finding his through the opening.

"I'll see you later?" he asked - "before Crisis" was thought but not spoken.

She swallowed, shrugging. "Maybe," she answered just as the doors closed.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I wrote half of this a couple weeks ago (so sorry if some things seem off), and then I finished it up recently after viewing the "you saved my life" scene. Cait's dialogue at the end is kinda her WANTING to tell Barry that he's saved her life now, since she can see that he feels guilty about what he's put her through, but she gets too emotional to say it in the moment, so she eventually tells him later when she's more composed.

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