A New Day: cancer journey

Chapter 1:Noticing.

I was 15 when I noticed. The painful areas on the inside of my arms. I had these frekle mole like things my whole life. Why do they hurt now?
I sat on my bed one day awkwardly poking myself. I was in love with anatomy and physiology. I knew something was wrong. I never knew how wrong though. One particular freckle was not a normal shape npr color. It was yellow around the edges. I ignored it knowing it was important. About a week later the lymohnodes in my arm swell and caused lumps in my arm.
"Mom, when is my next doctors appointment?" I asked casually one afternoon. My mom isn't like a normal mom. Well what is a normal mom anyway?
She feeds me,washes my clothes, and takes me to the hospital when I break a bone. So I cant complain too much. She loses her temper to much. She hurts people when she does and she leaves home for days without a word. Well except for a few curses and a slam of the front door.
"I don't know! Why?" She asked suspiciously while sorting my home school tests.
"Something is wrong with my arms. There swollen and don't look right,"
"What?! Let me see!" She moved the papers and motioned me to come over. I walked to her knowing she would be angry if I were sick. Her eyes grew big when she looked at the inside of my arms. She softly touched where it was swollen and she cringed.
"How long has it been like this?"
"About a week since I saw the spots. Today since the swelling," I bit the insides of my cheek. I was worried about what could be wrong with me. Could we afford to get medicine? Would we be able to help me? Will mom hurt me? Will she take it out on the baby?

"Damn it! I can't do this right now! I just lost my dad felicity!"

By dad she ment Grandpa. Her grandpa my great grandpa. Her dad left when she was 5 so she called. Grandpa her dad. He had just died in December. It was February. Still fresh on our hearts. But she used this as a card to escape.

"I know. I'm sorry!" I tried to pull my arm back but she tightened her grip on my wrists.

"No you dont! You keep doing stuff to make it hard on me! I can't sleep at night! I have to pay for your school and take care of your brothers and sisters! Yet you keep trying to come out on top! Don't you see I need help and you're being selfish!"

Tears started to form on the ends of her eye. Her lips shivered and her face was red. I stopped pulling away. I know she is hurting and I dont know what to do! I hugged her with my free hand and she sobbed into my shoulder. After about 5 minutes. She stopped and moved to look at me.

"You are smart. You know what medicine to take. Go take some. I can't afford a doctor right now," she smiles through her smudged mascara. She knows there is no otc medicine for fixing this! But I just nod and go to the kitchen and take an anti-inflammatory.
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To fill you in my mom and I don't have a good relationship. She used to beat me and my siblings. I was hospitalized many times as a kid because of this. She was never caught and I will never report her. I can't lose my baby brothers or my sisters. So we survive. She does take alot of medical care for my brother who was born with  a disability.. He nearly dies about 5 times a year and has has flatlined twice. I care for the rest of the needs my siblings have.
My papa who saved us many times passed away December 2018. I sang to him in his last days. I have never cried over it. I cant and I'm not aloud to. I have so many bottled up feeling and hopefully writing this will help. I will change the names. I don't wanana expose anyone. So let's continue.
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March 2019.
I turned 16 recently and now my arms have gotten worse. Mom was annoyed with my worry over it so she gave in and took me to Dr. Sparks.
"You owe me $63 for this plus the gas money," she mumbled when we walked into the door of the doctor.
"Yes ma'am" I agreed.
The smell of bleach and alchocol burned my nose and brought me a thousand memories. My heart began to race at the memory of doctors holding me down. 10 doctors for a 6year old getting a feeding tube and catheter.
I began to cry silently but hid my face from my mother. I knew she would call me dramatic and tear my 16 year old ass up for embarrassing her. Yes i get spanked. I can't control her parental methods.
I wiped my eyes and walked to the right side of the waiting room. The chairs were hard and the tv which played mikey mouse was too quiet to here. I hate when they do that! If you have a television at least make it audible. I took out my sketch pad while mom signed me in. I could here her mumbling about me seeking attention to the register ladies. I rolled my eyes. Everything I do include eat is for attention.
I took my pencil and began to draw the outline of a killer t-cell. I mostly draw science things. I love it! I drew its tentacle like things climbing off the edge of the paper. I shaded and highlited until I was satisfied with my cell. I then took out the one blue color pencil I carried with me. Every week I had a different pencil. Last week was orange. This week is blue.
"Felicity!" Mom snapped her fingers in my face angrily. I looked at her with her lips curled up in a snarl. "They said your name 5 times!" She hissed.
I snapped my book closed and walked to the door. A thin lady platinum blonde hair and a thin smile held the door open. My mom walked behind me pushing my back to walk faster.
"I like people who get lost in there skill," the nurse said smiling. She walked passed me into a room that had a sign saying weight and height check. I followed her in and stood in the corner waiting for instructions.
"Step into the scale please," she said while opening a thin file on the counter. I sat my books down and stepped on the doctor scale. She walked over and adjusted the numbers to
100. Then to the right with smaller numbers.
50-
40-
30-
20-
23-
123 pounds. Seven pounds less than when I weighed myself in February.
She wrote the numbers down with a red pen on the file. She motioned for me to stand by the measurer on the wall beside the scale.
I walked over and slid my shoes off and pushed them to the side. I leaned back. Pushing my heels against the wall and standing up straight. The lady looked at the numbers.
"Five-three" she proclaimed. I bit my lip in embarrassment. I'm short just like my mom. Sister. And grandma. Yay! Then, she took my temperature which was normal and my blood pressure which was low.
The lady took me and my mom to a room at the end of the hall. It was painted pink with purple flowers sloppily painted onto it. I sat on the exam table and finished coloring my t-cell. My mom played on Facebook while sitting in the corner chair. After about 10 minutes the doctor came in and mom put on her pretend-to-be-a-worried-mum face.
"I'm Dr.Ozark! How are you today?" He shook my hand with cold and calloused hands.
"I'm good," I didnt know how to answer that. This is where I let mom take over.
"She has some...unusual things on her right arm and it's swelling. Its been that way for about a week and I'm getting concerned about it!"she lied. It had been that way for a month! And she didnt give a shit!
'Oh okay. Let me take just examine it and we'll hopefully get you some answers!" He said smiling at me and mum. He took my arm and turned it so he could see the insides. He touched the spots feeling there texture and rubbed my lymphnodes.
"I think it's just some swollen lymohnodes stretching the skin around the moles!"he proclaimed. My mom sighef a fake sigh of relief. "I'll prescribe some antibiotics and bloodwork. If anything is wrong with the labs. I suggest we do a biopsy of the spots. " he added.
I nodded. I felt relieved knowing it could be treated with some medicine. I was also anxious to hear what mom would say about me overreacting. I knew I was in for a hell of a ride home.
"Thank you so much doctor!"
"Its my job!" He turned on his heel and walked out. My mom wiped her look away and snarled at me.
"You just took away so much money I could have used for this!" She cried.
"I'm sorry!"

"You're grounded. And just you wait until I tell dad!"
I regretted this so much! I took so much money out of the budget for this! Swollen lymohnodes treated by antibiotics. Epic! Im an idiot!!
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I'm gonna wait and see if anyone reads this before coming out with a new chapter. 🖤