Depressed thoughts (word vomit)

I been finding reasons to keep busy
When the obvious ones aren't enough to occupy my mind all the time
I would spare a dime
I miss me
The one who didn't scrape the depths of this world to keep busy
The one who cared about the fun things in life
Not the one who contemplates the years of her life
I always say I wanna do things before I die
I get asked are you expecting to go soon
It's not that I expect to go it's that you never know
When God decides you need to go home
And I wanna life my life just to smile a little bit now
I've thought that going before my loved ones would save me so much ache
But I know her heart I'd break
Plus so many other great people in my life would be lost wow
But I don't wanna feel so low forever
Yet I'm getting used to the pool that I swim in denying these feelings when asked how
Does it feel to be so numb