I need to have something to do until the 300th day. Maybe a bucket list?
"Hoi Ja!"
"Ay kalabaw!" Naihagis ko 'yung notebook na hawak ko dahil sa biglang pagsulpot ni Chen sa tabi ko.
"Ano ba 'yan? Kanina ka pa naming tinatawag. Lunch na 'teh."
"Ay ano 'to? Ang cute ng notebook—"
"Akin 'yan." Hinablot ko kay Ailyn 'yung notebook ko. They can't see what's in here. They must not.
"Ay may paghablot. Ano ba nakasulat dyan Ja? Listahan ng mga lalaki mo?" They all laughed with Cyrus' remark and I just made a face.
"Asa." I said with a long face.
"Oo na sus, umiral na naman 'yang pagka-bitter mo eh no? Pano ka magkakajowa nyan?" I rolled my eyes at Chen.
Hindi ko nga mahal ang sarili ko tapos magmamahal pa ko ng iba? Are you fucking serious?
"Tanga, tara na. mapupuno na naman 'yung cafeteria kakadaldal nyo."Aya ni Ailyn kaya nagsunuran na lang kami sa kanya.
These three are my best buddies at school. Si Chen, full name Anne Christina Charmaine Gloriane is a very smart and pretty woman. Si Ailyn naman, Ailyn Doringo, she's a simple but a very fun girl, hindi sya nauubusan ng serotonin sa katawan. Sana all. And last but not the least, si Cy—Cyrus Frias, the only boy in our circle. Pero lalaki talaga sya, I swear.
We've been friends since we're freshmen and we somehow managed to keep our circle intact for almost four years now. They've all been so kind to me, but sometimes I can't help to think that they secretly hate me because of my lapses or my mistakes.
I can't blame them though, because if I were them, I'd probably hate me too.
Our classes passed on a whim nagyaya pa sila na mag-gala but I pass. I don't have the energy and I don't really wanna go out. I just want to go home and sleep. Or maybe think what I'm supposed to be doing for my last 299 days.
I walked on my way home. I don't feel like taking a ride at all, I want to feel my legs in pain until I can't get up anymore. I need distraction from this emotional pain.
"What the hell do I want to do before I die?" I whispered and inserted my hand in the pocket of my denim jacket. I surprisingly I felt something soft inside my pocket I pulled it out and saw a handkerchief.
"You can lie about being okay with your lips, but don't forget that your eye speaks."
Ito 'yung panyo nung lalaki sa ospital. I probably have to wash this first before giving it back to him.
Now that I think about it, hindi man lang ako nakapagpaalam sa kanya. And..
"Nyx.." That's what the woman called him. Probably his name.
HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO ASK THE INFORMATION DESK IF I ONLY KNEW HIS FIRST NAME?!
I sighed. I'm not even sure kung nasa ospital pa ba sya o na-discharge na. Maybe we won't meet again. I stared at the handkerchief.
"But maybe I should wash you and keep you clean just in case I bump into your owner again. That's pretty impossible though." I said, talking to the handkerchief like an idiot. Damn.
I breathe softly as I walk.
There are just a very few people in this world who understands depression. Most of them regard this mental condition as "kaartehan" and drama when in fact, it's not. It's an illness and it's real. Just like urinary tract infection, dengue, and cancer, it exists. Just because there is no physical evidence of this illness it doesn't mean that people can invalidate its existence.
Depression is a mental illness wherein the person who possesses it has the constant feeling of sadness, emptiness, as well as variety of emotional problems. Although depression is a mental illness, it can still be lethal. It might cause someone to do self-harm. The fact that it has something to do with a person's mental state can affect the totality of the person's well-being. Depression is treatable, the problem is how can you make a depress person do it, cause technically, what's going on in their minds is that they'll never be okay and they'll just die the way they are at the present--sad and alone.
According to World Health Organization (2019), as of today, here are more than 264 million people from all around the globe who is affected by this mental illness. This illness can actually lead to something worse—suicide. There are 800,000 people who die from suicide every year, and is the second leading cause of death in people aging from 15-29 years old.
Depression is real. Hindi lang nag-iinarte ng basta-basta ang mga taong nakakaranas nito. Somehow I hope that people would stop turning a blind eye in this condition before it's too late. Not for me, but for other people na pinagdadaanan din ang pinagdadaanan ko. It's not a joke dealing with this kind of illness alone. Too bad I have no one I can turn to but myself.
I had so much thought hindi ko na napansin na nakarating na pala ako sa tapat ng village namin.
Damn. Now I'm not sure if I really do wanna go home.
Once I came home, no one's there. Ako lang. Mag isa lang ako. It'll all be silent and sad, and I think I had enough sadness these past few days so I just wanted to chill somewhere with people para naman baka sakaling makadagdag 'yong serotonin ko sa katawan.
I took a turn and walked away from the village's house.
Naglakad ulit ako but this time I paid more attention to where the hell I'm at. I look around me and saw street kids having fun in playing games. Sometimes I envy them, despite of their situation, they were able to smile and laugh that much. Samantalang ako, eto, serotonin deprived.
A grade 2 student passed by the street kids and I witnessed how they all stop playing and stare at the kid in uniform.
"Kelan kaya tayo makakapasok sa iskul?" I heard one of the street kid says, the other kid, I guess the older one pat his head.
"Wala naman tayong pera pangbili ng mga gamit eh! Di nga tayo makakain nang tatlong beses sa isang araw."
Somehow, I felt as though my heart broke into pieces. Going to school and being able to eat thrice a day is a much underrated blessing today. I started walking away from that place and brought myself back to our village and into our house.
I think I just found a thing I want to do before I leave this world.
BUCKET LIST
1. Put up a charity.
I smiled a little, I maybe hopeless myself, but maybe, just maybe—I can do something for someone else.
299 days left.
DISCLAIMER: The things that are written here aren't put on this page for you to do it on yourself. Your life is valuable. You are loved. You are important.
National Center for Mental Health Crisis Hotline can be reached through the following numbers:
0917-899-USAP (8727)
0917-989-8727
It's okay not to be okay. You are not alone.
YOU ARE READING
300 Days
General Fiction11:11PM "If I could only give my life to someone who has the will to live, I will." They're both dying... in two different ways, that is.
