She's Something Else. Or am I?

Nine

My sleep was awful, although I slept for 18 hours, only waking up a total of 3 times to go to the toilet or get a much needed glass of water. I don't feel rested, quite the opposite actually, I feel as though my eyes have been rubbed into oblivion, my legs feel like if I even tried to get out of bed I would collapse, and I'm cold.

I put my phone back on my nightstand after reading through all my notifications and checking the time. 17:05.

I wake up feeling numb, but this isn't unusual as of recently. Since the party a week ago I haven't found it in myself to do anything. At first I thought my hang over was just lasting a few days extra, but when it got to the third day of going to sleep at 7pm and waking up after 12pm the next day I knew something else was holding me back. I just can't pin point what.

Well of course I know what. But I refuse to believe that she can still have an effect on me after all this time.

I sigh for what feels like the hundredth time while laying here. Staring at the white ceiling above me, counting how many imperfections there are while comparing the number to the ones I saw in Freya. 6-1. Her one flaw being she wasn't good at sport, although in her defence she did get better the more we played together. I feel my eyes glaze over and the next thing I know I'm dreaming, with my eyes open.

*

"You shouldn't be embarrassed, it happens to everyone" I flick the ball up with my foot and catch it in my hands effortlessly, knowing she won't want to play anymore after what just happened.

"Broooooook, That kid saw me and laughed" She whined, crossing her arms and pouting like a child.

"Well maybe you shouldn't have stepped on the ball when you were meant to kick it" I rolled my eyes but couldn't hide my smile.

"I hurt myself when I fell over you know" she said in an attempt to make me feel bad.

"Awh poor baby, maybe we should take you to the hospital" I said in fake importance. exaggerating my concerned facial expression. Although when I saw she was ignoring me I added "Honestly it's happened to me before"

"Really?" She asks, moving closer to me as we walk out of the field onto the pavement.

"Yeah, when I was five" I'm already looking at her waiting for my words to hit her and when they do, her shocked expression is priceless and I can't help the laugh that escapes me. She doesn't reply to me but instead tries to hide her amused smile behind her hair "I can still see you"

"No you can't"

"Then how do I know you're smiling and biting your bottom lip on the left side because really, you find me hilarious and want to laugh" I raise my eyebrow at her and smile confidently when she looks to me.

"I do think you're funny"

"Yeah, I know" I pause for a second, wondering if she's going to say anything else, or make a joke herself but she doesn't " Where'd you wanna go now?"

"Let's just walk, but we can go passed the church" She says, linking her hand with my free one. With anyone else I wouldn't like it, I've never been an overly affectionate person with anyone. I've grown used to her doing this though so I don't get nervous anymore, although my heart swells at the action. Then I smile as I know why she wants to walk passed the church.

"You know if you want to kiss me you can just say" I tell her and unlink our hands.

"Oi! Come back, it feels weird not holding your hand" She goes to grab my hand but I move it out of the way at the last second "Wow, Brook you just did me so dirty" The genuine shock and confused look on her face makes me smile even wider, the thought of her really wanting to be close to me and do something as simple as hold my hand gives me a sense of hope that one day, she'll accept that she wants to be with me, rather than this friends with kisses and hand holding thing we have going on "Fine, don't hold my hand then" She stubbornly says.

"Okay whatever" I shrug, acting indifferent, when really all I wanna do is grab her hand and feel the warmth I usually feel throughout my whole body whenever we make contact.

Although we aren't talking, we're still walking very close together. This goes on for another few minutes and despite my own stubbornness I close the small gap between our hands.

"Knew you couldn't resist" She teased and squeezed my hand a little tighter.

"I'm doing this for your benefit, I will quite happily remove my hand-"

"No. I like it"

*

"Brook! Brook!" I blink. Startled for a second before I realise it's my mother.

"What?" I croak out, moving to sit up but lay down and cover my face with the duvet when my bedroom light turns on suddenly "Ahh, What you doing?" I try and be angry but my small, water needing voice betrays me.

"You need to get up! Sleeping all the time isn't normal. It's Six O'clock for fucks sake" She's growing impatient having to repeat the same thing to me everyday "You need to start going to college again, they'll kick you out!" I ignore her and her same speech she's given me about college for the past week as I reach over and check my phone for the time. 18:14pm. Had an hour really passed that quickly without me moving from my position "It's because you're staying up on your phone and laptop all night long" She accuses.

"Yes mother, that is exactly the reason even though last night I missed dinner because I was sleeping" I sarcastically started applauding her with slow claps.

"You need to start getting into a routine, up early and bed early" She tells me, standing at the edge of my bed looking me over "Having showers" She adds.

"Yes okay" I murmur, already wanting to go back to sleep "I have a headache, can you turn the light back off?" She doesn't say anything more as she leaves the room. Not even turning the light off, or shutting my door. I growl with frustration and toss and turn like a fish out of water. Once I'm done with my small tantrum I get up and look in the mirror. gross.

I look to my greasy hair, stained top and pale face. Deciding that maybe my mother was right. I do need a shower. First, I tidy my room a little, open a window and light a scented candle and place it in the middle of my desk.

I would like to confide in my mother about my inner turmoil, and lack of motivation to do anything but the last time I tried to talk to her about anything like this was when I was 13. About a friendship I had lost. My first ever experience of emotional pain and she told me that I was being stupid. She said - in short - "Well she isn't family so you should just forget about it and talk to other people" Obviously after that I felt dumb, like my feelings weren't relevant. I never spoke to her about any pain I was going through again. There's also the fact she's homophobic.

When I split my chin open when I was 10 and the school told me they were phoning home so that I could be taken to the hospital. I assured them I was fine. It didn't even hurt when it happened. At least, I made myself think it didn't hurt. I remember feeling fear. I feared what my mother would say because I didn't want to annoy her with my inconveniences.

I didn't cry when the man stuck my wound with needles so that it would numb. I didn't cry or flinch. I had six stitches that day. The man was surprised how 'good' I was and told me he had grown men in here crying about a knee injury that needed stitches.

She told me I was brave. A compliment that told me that faking it is rewarded. From a young age physical pain never fazed me. So after that talk with her when I was 13 I decided emotional pain wouldn't faze me either.

That stayed true until recently.

Although the water running down my back is a little uncomfortably hot I don't have a care to change it as I lean back to wet my hair, flinching from time to time at the harshness of which it hits. Although it hurts, it's still calming me.

I'm in the shower longer than I was supposed to be, the water started to go colder and my sister bangs on the door multiple times for me to hurry up. She's back from University for the Christmas break. Reminding me I only have 3 more college days before my holiday begins too.

I can suffer 3 more days until I can sleep freely can't I?