bits and pieces

17 / 12 / 2019

So much mixed feelings that I had over this past few weeks of school holiday. But today particularly, I lost someone very dear to me. And it's just very sad that I don't get to hug him, kiss him, carry him, or even meet him. He's my nephew. My brother's son. 

16th December, 2019

He's born. I am so happy that he's finally here in this world to actually experience this life. I made a promise to myself that I'm gonna love and cherish Lily, Abdurrahman, and him. I don't even know his name yet. But one thing I know is that I loved him already. I've been counting days since I know my sister-in-law is expecting a baby boy. Not to mention, I already told my friends about him. God, I am so excited to meet him. And the day is finally here. He's here.

17th December, 2019

My brother called. He said he wanted to talk to my mom. But she's performing her prayer at the moment. And my brother told me to call him back after my mom finished. She came down to our kitchen later, and my dad just arrived home from his work and they're having a conversation. My dad showed my mom and me a picture of him, the baby. He's looking very cute. I can't wait to meet him. But then my dad said, "But there is a bad news, he's gone." At the very moment, I am so speechless. I just don't know what to say. I stood there in the kitchen trying to process what my dad just said. All of the excitement of me getting to kiss him, hug him, and love him with all my might just came crashing down on me. I still don't know how to react to this as I haven't lose any family member before. There's my uncle, but at that time, I'm still too little to know anything. 

I quickly climbed the stairs to my room, and called my friend, Khaleesa. Thankfully, she picked up the phone on the first few rings. I just told her about my nephew and I wanted to cry, but I can't. The feelings just didn't reach me yet. But then my father came to me, and he told me about it, again. I don't understand why he told me twice, but that's the least of my worries at the moment. And realization hit me like a brick, tears started streaming down my eyes. And that's when I TRULY realize that, I will never get the chance to smell the newborn that I loved so much.

It's just so sad that he only lives for a day. And the fact that I will never get to meet him.

A short paragraph for my beloved nephew, (I don't know your name)

To ................,

Assalamu'alaykum, Baby.

Although you're only here in this world for less than a day, and I didn't even get to meet you, just know that I love you so much. I'm crying when I write this. Baby, words can't explain just HOW MUCH I LOVED YOU, and I still do, even though you're not here. It's a good thing that you don't have to experience all this ups and downs in this life. But Baby, I just loved you so much. From the day that I knew your mom was pregnant, I was the happiest aunt in this world. I can't wait to have you here, to babysit you, to love you, to watch you grow to be a fine man, to send and pick you from school, to teach you how to write and read, to let you watch all the cartoons using my Netflix account. When I knew you were finally here in this world, I am so excited to have you in my arm. But sadly, you were gone as fast as you were here. But that's fine, I hope we can meet in the jannah. Baby, pray for your Maksu here. I love you so much, Baby. Maksu loved you so much, and will always do.

Truly, Maksu.