12:26 | n.g.

chapter » 30

remember that haylee is nahs's sister... alot of people forget her lololol

and if you dont believe in God or have a different religion, please do not get offended by parts of this chapter. I have my beliefs just as you have yours.

i contemplated long and hard on if i should post this now. i decided to bc it took a long time to update the last chapter so double update!

ilyg. :'(

-xox alex

__

"I was numb without him by my side. I missed him to the point of promise breaking."

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On December 28, 2014 at 10:23 pm on a Sunday, Nash died peacefully in his sleep.

To say it hurt was an understatement. I had never been so broken in my entire life. I was shattered, I was numb, I was lifeless. I sobbed all night and sat in a daze all day. I skipped so much school that I'll probably have to repeat the semester but I don't care. I wasn't ready to see the world without Nash by my side.

I still remember the cold night that Camilla called us to tell us that he had passed. I rushed to their house, immediately taking Haylee into my arms as we sobbed together. She never liked me but at that moment we didn't care who hated who. We were both heartbroken over the same thing so we clicked.

I remember slowly walking up to Nashs room and finding him lifeless. If you listened closely, you could hear the cracks slowly seeping up my heart right before it shattered in my chest. I remember finding him laying face up, his eyelids closed as his lashes gently rested on his cheeks. His pale skin was almost the color of the snow we danced in just a few nights prior. If I didn't know better, I would think he was just resting peacefully.

He looked so much like an angel. And I wondered if he truly was one. He entered my life and made it so perfect and now, I thought, he's sitting by the Lord's throne, probably telling him stupid knock-knock jokes. My lip had quivered once my fingertips brushed his cold skin. No, I thought. Wake up!

I felt the tears build up in my eyes before the crashed to the carpeted floor beneath my feet. My whole world had stopped and was spun backwards so fast I couldn't catch my breath. This wasn't a pet or a far off relative that had passed. This was the love of my life, my best friend. And I was so sure I could not live without him.

I dropped to my knees right beside him, my mind racing but the world so slow and painful. I thought about all that had happened between us-the sweet kisses, the comforting hugs, the painful tears, the touching of skin.

He was not gone.

I would wake up tomorrow with endless texts from him and bad SnapChats of him and Cam. I would see him and not be able to contain my goofy smile. He would tell me some stupid poetic speech about how he thought the grass was pretty cool at that exact moment. We would cuddle and watch our favorite Netflix movies. I would look out my window tonight and there he would stand, Skittles in his hand and a grin on his face.

I remember crying myself to sleep that night specifically. It was the first time since I was 14 that I took to my blades for comfort. I grimaced as the sharp metal swiped across my scarred skin and thought about Nash Grier for the 127,684,926,729th time in my life. I recalled the promise I had made to him all those months ago and felt the continuous hot tears streak my face. I looked up to the ceiling above me and beyond, hoping Nash was looking down as I whispered a "sorry." Hopefully he understood.

Anna and dad would talk to me but all I heard were mumbled voices hidden in the sea of my thoughts. I would sit in my room, just staring out my window. It was like the glass reflected a portrait of my life on it. Except the protrait was just Nash smiling. I spent most of my time hidden in my room, cutting my wrists or crying or reminicsing.