Tonight. I'm depressed. Whether it be because I feel as though I'm not good enough for the man I love. Or because I keep getting a glimpse of my body in the mirror and realizing how unhappy I am with it. Can anything be enough? If I'm not a decent human being for living my life 1 day at a time rather then wasting my money on college when I have no clue what I'm doing. Does that make me a bad person. Or how about when it's difficult to show that you are happy with someone when they perceive things extremely different then you do? It's hard to figure out what needs to happen vs what needs to change. Or is it that I need to change everything I am to please other people? Yet you sit and get told not to change yourself for anyone. But everyone expects you to change at the same time. This is what kicks people in the ass. Family and friends tell you one thing but society tells you another. Who do you believe? Because no matter how close you may be to friends or family, nothing lasts forever. Do I believe in what my gut is saying or do I cave into society? My gut is saying I'm unhappy and I want to cry but somehow you get shunned for crying because it makes you weak. My gut tells me that my body doesn't fit my personality yet I have no motivation to keep going to the gym. My gut tells me to live life just how I was a year ago. But that's what got me in trouble to begin with. I love my life and I cherish every good thing that happens. Yet it feels like my brain is testing me. Pushing me to the very edge trying to get me to disappear entirely. To simply not exist. For people to not know who I am so I can start over and be a different person who isn't depressed or anxious or who isn't nervous when the smallest inconvenience happens. Or maybe I just write everything I'm feeling and fix myself instead of talking to people. It took me years to start talking to people. I was severely depressed. Yet not no one cares much. No one wants to help so you have to help yourself. You have to fix your thoughts and emotions so no one knows what your really feeling. To put on a mask and pretend to be this person who is happy and is perfect. It's exhausting. But if I need to do that to not lose my relationship then I will. I love this man with everything I have. And I hope that I can keep him forever. But I don't know the future. I can't predict what will happen. I can only fix what I need to right now. Without causing problems. I want the perfect life where I have a husband who wouldn't blink twice to kill someone for me. Who loves on me whenever they get the chance. Who trusts every word I say and believes me when I tell him things. To be the person I can open up to and be vulnerable around. I just want to be perfect for the most perfect man I've met. And it's hard when I'm not attractive. When I'm not skinny. When I'm not perfect and I have flaws. But I'm trying. And I guess that's all I can do.
