But, Could You?

Soekarno-Hatta

Keenan closed the last month's edition magazine he took from his 14-year old brother then opened a new blank page on his phone's browser and typed society6.com/casmaradana. His heart was beating three-times faster than normal inside his ribcage. Inside his head running questions such as; Why didn't he try to find her on Google? (He only did on Facebook). How couldn't he think of other way besides sending messages to her no-longer-active mail?

The Citra Asmaradana Collection page had fully loaded. Now he was looking at thousands artwork of his then-girlfriend, most of which were beach landscape. His jaw was hanging loose; he didn't think she'd be this big. He didn't expect to meet her again at one of his "office" nearly two months ago and then bump into her "office" now then got fascinated by all her works and achievements. Had he didn't peek through what his younger brother was reading twenty minutes ago, he wouldn't be able to find a way to reach the girl again.

He was so shock bumping into her at Gimhae last June that he forgot to ask her number—or mail or anything. After that encounter he kept stopping a lot longer at every Starbucks chain of the airports he transited. But he never bumped into her anymore. More unfortunately she'd changed her number (he tried to call it twice but to no avail), her closest friend in high school had lost contact with her since the former moved to New Jersey, he couldn't find her Facebook account (later he knew from a friend that she never registered), and he'd gone to her home but she and her family had moved into somewhere else.

Thus when he tripped into her blog page and found her new mail, he didn't hesitate to send one.

But I need to tell you something
I know I hurt you but
Could you love me again?

♫

from: c10987@yahoo.com
to: keenan_m@yahoo.com
subject: the last one

Hi, Nan. I hope you're doing well at school because I'm not, and it sucks.

I see you're getting busy, huh? Proved by no new mails from you for these past four weeks. Is it that hard? Attending an aviation school? Because having three fucking homework for the next day of school plus soccer practice didn't stop you to phone me even only for a minute to tell me that you were still breathing.

But now aviation school took all your time, I see. I didn't blame the school or the Internet (I was thinking Philippine had a bad internet connection but fuck it that was impossible because here in Indonesia I still could send you some emails, and got nothing in reply). I didn't blame your dream either (why should I though). But I'm mad at you who didn't say anything before you disappeared. I'm so angry because you didn't give any clarity between you and me, at least. I didn't ask you to always tell me your days, I just ask you to tell me once a while that you're still alive. I didn't ask you to send me a two hundred-word email either. But suddenly you vanished. You didn't want me to bother you again? Fine. I end it here—whatever we had.

This is my last mail, and you won't hear anything from me anymore.

Wish u luck.

♫

from: keenanmahathir@gmail.com
to: c.asmaradana@gmail.com
subject: the first one

Hi, Cit.

You're probably wondering why there's this mail in your inbox, how could I get your mail address, and what I'm doing by sending you this.

I accidentally found your gallery and blog, Cit. I read your interview with Y! Magz. I'm so proud of you. You've reached your dream. It's even bigger than what you've dreamed before. Now you're having your artwork exhibition that can be accessed by people from all over the world.

I really am proud of you, Cit. You're really an inspiring, humble, and good person. Someone big, someone influential. And I'm ashamed of myself. Of the things I've done in the past.

There are a lot I want to talk to you, Cit. There are a lot I want you to hear. Cit, if you're willing, could we meet again?

I know you just flew from Manila but you didn't say where you'd go in your latest blog post. I hope I could catch you up soon for I'm currently having my day-off until the next four days.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Keenan.

Without knowing, I'm in love with you again
So could you love me again?

♫