𝕄𝕪 𝕕𝕣𝕒𝕨𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕤𝕥𝕦𝕗𝕗 (ㅇㅅㅇ❀)

❀

2 days left before Christmas! And just about a few hours left to my birthday uwu

Im about to talk about some stuff so if you dont like to read serious stuff then you dont need to read it im not forcing you guys :)

Anyways,

2019 has been a pretty tough year for me. Every year im growing older and learning more stuff. I'd always have a smile on my face and the feeling of excitement rushes throigh me when its my birthday. But as time goes by,my smile started to fade away its more like a forced smile. I never ranted out my problems here (except for one) because i just dont want to look pathetic but now i cant hold everything anymore i feel like i needed to.

I often feel down,sad and tired. I dont really kmow what makes me happy anymore. I've always been like this,i guess. I have to go through a lot of things but everyday i tell myself its okay because i needed to be positive. I talk to some of my friends sometimes but then they'll always say "oh i've been through worse" or "its okay i feel you" i actually disliked hearing that. No offense though to you guys. But hearing that is like rubbing salt in my wounds. Thats why i prefer talking to my closest friends. But i know my friends aren't always there for me. I have to fight through myself too.

But..i feel like im too weak i find myself crying and i hated that. Everytime someone backstabbs me i start crying. Everytime i fight with my friends i start crying. Feeling down? Start crying. I promised myself a lot of times that i wouldn't but i just.. i just can't. I feel so pathetic and useless but i have to fight through my emotions. Why? Because i don't want people to think they can just judge and pick a fight with me everytime they want. My mind was set like this was because back in primary school i used to get insulted by students a lot. They called me a crybaby and a drama-queen. I didn't like it. Thats how i started becoming bad-tempered. My attitude changed but worser. I became meaner and i realized that i needed to change to be better. My sister noticed that my behaviour changed and she told me that i needed to change for the better good. She was right, but the fact that she assumed i wasn't trying was making me boil up. She was rarely with me in school and she assumes that i don't try to hold my temper? But oh well, let her think like that right? So i tried. And everything was getting better. Or atleast i should say temporarily. My family became more and more broken, i start to get envious of my big sister and i start to get more and more.. im not sure if the word depressed suits it.. but yeah you guys understand what im trying to say right?

I also felt like everyone else adores my sister more than me. I started having sad and depressed thoughts like "why am i still breathing?" Or "i dont want to see anyone today" and those usual thoughts.Even though these kind of stuffs happens every single time, i tried to stay strong. I dont want to be the me in the past. Not many knows that im going through this is because i dont want to talk to them about it because i dont wanna be some kind of petty girl. I needed to be stronger and braver. I wanted to be that one main character that everyone believes in and that they will remember me. Don't get me wrong, im not an attention seeker. I just want to help those who are struggling too, to tell them that they'll eventually find a way to get through it.

Same goes for you guys. No matter what you guys are going through just believe in yourself! Its fine to just be by yourself. It doesn't mean you're lonely. It means you need time. Just listen to some music that helps or other hobbies that you like. Just enjoy life! Dont care what other's say. Because in the future, karmas gonna get them for whatever bad things they did to you.

Oh man this got way out of hand-

Maybe i'll do a face reveal tomorrow if thats what you guys want :D