Serendipity

Matured love and choice

𝘐𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶
𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳
𝘞𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘩 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘧𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸

𝘖𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘶𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦
𝘞𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘭𝘺 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸
𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘺
𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸?

I wonder what would happen now? Everything was said and done. I think... I got everything I wanted but it's not what I expected. The things I had to do to get here I didn't even wanna think about at the moment. I was so happy and I never felt happier. I regained a friendship that I vowed that I would never lose again. I wish I could describe the feeling I felt when I realized what I have gotten. He was a gift but there was a question. Did I truly deserve the gift that I was given? I truly don't know and for some of you, I may sound stupid and for some of you, I may have a reason. First, I would like to explain how different this time was from the last.

By the time I'm writing this, it would've been about 2 1/2 years since I loved Bradley. At the very beginning, it all started as a crush pretty minor but still counted. As time went on my feelings grew to a point where I let myself get the best of me and that would have consequences. I lost myself for a minute but then I came back. People have been used and mistreated and I even wanted revenge. It all came down to one person that I was doing all of this for. I soon put myself on the line and I risk it all. Everything ended up working out but that doesn't mean I'm proud of myself for it. If anything this friendship is built off of lies. I even surprised myself thinking, "Wow, I shouldn't be proud of myself but that doesn't mean I wasn't always right. I have learned so much about love and how it can make you do some really crazy shit. Something you never thought you would do for another person. Of course, I still have a lot to learn since I'm still young myself. This made me realize things about myself, my values, and what I prioritize. I'm not saying that I am perfect and that I would pressure someone else into doing the exact same thing that I did. In fact, I would never want anyone doing this because looking back on it now it felt like an immature and selfish decision. These are my mistakes and I hope people can learn from them. Also, everything happened so fast like most of the events, happened in the span of two years. It was a really rough roller coaster going up and down constantly if that's one way to describe it."

I'm still very in love with Bradley and we still talk a lot actually. Except for this love that I feel for him is not the same as it was before. When it comes to a crush everything is like brand new, full of colors, and almost like an Instagram filter. You always get super nervous around them and they make your heartbeat so fast you're surprised that you haven't died from a heart attack. You probably have never talked to that crush before or you may have only had very small talk. A crush to me is lasting for a short amount of time but intense. It would probably even be more intense if it's someone that is most likely out of your league. For me, I have moved on from that stage after everything that went down after the confession. I feel like I grew as a person after those events. Once I got back with Bradley, I didn't come out the same. We weren't always talking about light topics and common things. Of course, we still do talk about that daily but it's not only that. We sometimes will talk about what he would do in life. What are his aspirations? Any hobbies? Upcoming sports? What would he like to be as a person in the future? Maybe some tea spilling on the side if there's any. I would always express what I would like to do in the future and talk about how I was feeling. We both expressed how we were feeling in our own ways respectfully. It was on a deeper level that may not be in a typical guy to guy conversation. Love to me is a deep feeling of affection. Patience, understanding, and forgiveness are all part of being truly in love. You only want the best for that person and you only want to see them be successful. I wanted that and mostly his happiness. Except there's a feeling in your heart where you have to ask yourself, would you let them go if it meant their happiness? Even if it wasn't with you? To that, I say yes and if the time ever comes again then I know for sure that I would be able to let him go. It's a choice I have to make. Either stay with him or leave. I chose to stay with him but only because I want him to be happy for now. I feel like he needs company and I want to be able to help him. I want to stand by his side and I want him to know no matter what the outcome of this is that I was always there for him and I never hated him. I know and I know fully that one day I will get caught. The truth will always come out one day. I am prepared for that because I think the truth does need to come out. For better or for worse. My only wish is that I would leave before then so I can't be a direct target for anger or hatred. I know when I leave it will already be painful and I just don't want any more pain than I'll already be causing myself. I'm just hoping people will understand my reasoning for it and that I want to wish them the best in life because they deserve it.