owning the love of my life

chapter 4

Chapter 4
CLAIRE
"Positive" I stare at the fifth pregnancy test result shaking from my trembling hands in my dorm room and like a lifeless body, I dropped my weight on the floor. *a baby? For whom?* I'd had numerous safe sex with guys, how did I end up pregnant? I thought about the odds, having a child at 22 while studying is bad, telling my parents that their second-year university student of a daughter is having a bastard is worse. I shudder to think what my friends and what the whole world would think of me. One solution-abortion. I should have suspected I was expecting when I didn't see my menstruation the previous month, I had thought it was another harmless anomaly. I placed my palm on my tummy, slowly moving in circles. In a rush, I hated myself, felt disgusted, angry and all things bad to a point of thinking suicidal. I let the tears out knowing fully well I'd been in denial and no amount of pregnancy test I take would prove negative.

I managed to keep my pregnancy hidden from my parents for ten months before birthing my daughter, I stopped attending class when it got to the third trimester but it didn't stop my studying. I have to finish up school. It's my number one priority. I love my baby but coming to terms with the fact that the child would never know her dad knotted my stomach and I hated myself for giving her such a fatherless life. Since the Doctor warned me against abortion, I had no choice but to keep it and after birth, I decided to keep her away from me as far as possible. Not because I don't love or want her but because seeing her would make me resent myself more and I don't deserve to have such an innocent life depend on me. I wasn't ready and I never will.

******
My eyes slowly drifted open to accommodate where I was. I looked around slowly and my gaze landed on Rebecca.

"Claire, you ok?" She leaned forward to me beside the bed

"I lost her beccs, I can never forgive myself, life took her, it took her, it takes things from me, I don't deserve to be loved or feel loved beccs, I'm cursed and I think you should stay away from me too, my baby is gone, she'll never know how much she means to me but resent me for not being there for her, I'll never forgive myself" I wept uncontrollably into Rebecca's hands as she cupped my face, her own tears slowly emerging.

"It's not your fault Claire, don't say that, you tried in your own way to make things right..."

"I stayed away beccs, I loved her from afar, now my baby died not knowing she was loved immensely"

"That little girl is aware of your love for her, have you seen her art book? She keeps drawing a really ugly picture of you and her saying she loves you"

"How'd you know that?"

"Katherine was my daughter too, I frequent her school sometimes to play Aunty's duties"

Her using the word WAS knotted my stomach even more.

Her saying that made me weep more. How was I supposed to move on from this?

"Whenever you're ready, we'll go collect her stuff from the school"

"I'll never be ready, she was a hidden secret, none of my folks knew her, for seven years beccs, I can count the number of times I'd seen her, I'm such a bad mother" i wish I could see her again, tell her beautiful face that I love her beyond measure, let her know I didn't deserve to have such a blessing in my life, she didn't deserve me. Was that why she was taken? Of all the students, only my daughter died? Life did this on purpose.

"Please take me home"

"You need to brace yourself up Claire, you have to be strong and not blame yourself, I'll go sort the bill then we give her a befitting burial meant for an angel"

I sobbed on

DAMON
I LOOK AT MY WRISTWATCH, it timed 11 pm, I was still in my office hoping Claire would show up but I know better. She was totally blowing me off and I'm still not going to give up. I took a walk downstairs to her office, admiring what she'd done with her space from the glass wall outside. Too bad I didn't have a spare key, I craved badly to be in her, smell her, cuddle her and tell her how much I love her forever and ever but she's making it hard for me to reach out.  I eventually exited the building finally coming to terms with the fact that I'd been stood up. I'm coming for her hard on Monday or better still, I should show up at her place tomorrow morning before she leaves for work. I slid into the back of my Limo, as it eases off onto the road, I went with my plan. I'll go see my Claire tomorrow, thankful for the fact that I know her address.